“The cloud is free only to go with the wind. The rain is free only in falling.”
— Wendell Berry
Its just one of those days where there is a lump in my heart bringing up tears of sadness. All I want to do is cry! It’s been an emotional roller coaster ride these past couple of days. Nothing serious, however, a bunch of little things are coming back up in me and I’m really trying hard to embrace them. Sadness is a normal human emotion, and I have always been able to embrace it. It is the pain underneath the sadness, which I have trouble dealing with.
For some sadness is pain, but to me there is something bigger hiding inside. You know the hurt you feel in your chest? I have to feel it and ride it out, because these past couple of years I’ve been trying to suppress that pain, which in turn has causes me grief. I get panic, anxiety, digestion problems…etc.. All that craziness for blocking the true feelings that reside within my soul.
I was talking to my father the other day. We were discussing my brother who suffers from bi-polar type II. My brother is a grand example of someone who suppresses the pain, which comes with challenges in our lives. He went from riches to rags in a 10-year period. It is very difficult for us to communicate with him, and let him know, if he only acknowledged is pain, all the little pains he has suffered in his lifetime would be a thing of the past. Yet, he wont… he wont continue his therapy, he wont continue seeing his doctor and he has blocked all family from his life. BLOCKAGES!! Thus, he remains sick… L
That is when I told my dad I refuse to block anymore. Crying is ok, screaming is ok, being angry is ok, being sad is ok, being happy is ok, and being excited is ok.. You get my point? All emotions are ok.. As long as we can see, hear and feel these emotions, we are on the right track. So today.. I give myself permission to feel. To feel every emotion which wants me to listen.
I listen.. I feel.. I unblock… In addition, if I need to talk to someone.. I do.. I reach out.. I love .. I feel loved.
I told my dad that day: “Dad I am strong because I can cry” he said “Yes you are my favourite daughter. I am proud of you!” J
…. And so it is….