“If you want to reach a state of bliss, then go beyond your ego and the internal dialogue. Make a decision to relinquish the need to control, the need to be approved, and the need to judge. Those are the three things the ego is doing all the time. It’s very important to be aware of them every time they come up.” ~Deepak Chopra
Almost 2 years ago, in November 2009, I felt the world seemingly crashing down on me. I had an episode in the shower, which led to other health issues I needed to sort out, I wasn’t well in my body, my spirit felt broken… I felt I needed an umbrella to protect me from the falling sky, yet with every gust of wind, my protection kept on flipping upside down.
Lets go back a couple of years. In 2008 things at home where not going as planned, my relationship was taking a turn for the worst, my son was bullied at school, and I had this huge sense of always feeling overwhelmed. What was keeping me going that year, was my work. I would literally escape there.. I loved the school I was in and the kids I was teaching. However, slowly I felt the trickling of wear and tear of my home life seeping in, as the tears would start to show up there too!
In 2009, I took “the teaching contract from hell”. I was burning out. My excitement of starting in a new school took the wayside as every eraser, pen, pencil in class was being thrown at me. These kids were NOT like the kids I was used to and I felt like I was thrown in with the sharks! No wonder I was about to fall… somehow by constantly yelling at the Universe “STOP I want to get off this damn ride” I created an opportunity to do so.
How do I love thee? Let me count the stops…
Since, March 2010.. I have almost been at a complete halt. I was put on sick leave, for a few weeks (again after being on sick leave from December to January, and began 2010 as a substitute teacher. That was when I decided I was going to think of ME and take the calls I really needed to take and leave the rest. I decided that 2011 was the year to get well and be selfish. It was the year to STOP, get off, lay low, shoot the breeze.. You get the picture.
So I put everything on pause and said:
“Wait a effin’ minute here! I matter, I’m sick and about to explode so I am taking a break” “Whomever doesn’t like what I am doing can go….. Well can go FLUFF UP A GUM TREE!”
This morning…I was reading Jo Anna Rothman’s blog post: (for some reason WordPress will not let me link to Jo Anna’s blog. I will add the link at the end of this post.. thanks)
How I fell in love with my life
She was saying how she began courting herself as she not longer wanted to feel crappy: she created an opening… she states:
“I paid attention to my needs. My wants. My desires.”
That is all we have to do right? And so it is…
Well guess what? This summer I courted myself. At first, I felt guilty, lazy, dumb, selfish (in a bad way) and spoiled.. All the names you would call a couch potato. Although I would have preferred a spot beside a willow tree, I set up an office on my trusty couch; where I kept my journals, my online friendships, all here in my laptop, on my couch, in my office. I did my spiritual work, my blogging, my dream interpretations. I was (and still am) actually BUILDING something. The kids visit me here, and I close the lappy if they need my time and my attention.. Even my dogs joined in the fun!
Now, if you haven’t stopped reading because you think I’m a crackpot, let me explain. I still washed dishes, cooked dinner, cleaned house (sort of lol) took care of teen crises, loved, tucked in , laughed and played. However, most of the time the need to just be, to be quiet and alone was greater. The need to connect, to write, to draw, to listen, to read, to analyse, to discover, to reflect, to rest… was way more important than continuing the cycle I was on. The pendulum had to swing completely to the right from the left to come back in the middle.
This is where I am at NOW! Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I felt good, and the feeling was almost foreign to me. I felt relaxed, uninterrupted by my mind, my thoughts or my fears. I held on being in that vortex for as long as I could. Today I feel the same…. Yet I am not going to JUMP off my couch and run the marathon. This time.. I am going to break out slowly. The amazing circle of friends I have met online, has really encouraged me to spend less time online. When I log back on, I know they are still there. I don’t feel like I’ve missed anything.. On the contrary, going back online hours later is filled with more discoveries. Also, I connect more with myself, I don’t delve into the internet to escape from what I am feeling.
My Life is My Creation
So even if my soon to be X was concerned all summer that I did absolutely nothing, and I am sure others were worried.. I did something important that not everyone will understand.. And that’s ok with me! I would be worried if I didn’t have the urge to get up anymore… but I do!! I needed this time desperately and finally I was able to listen to what my mind, my spirit and my body needed.
Now my body needs excercise and good healthy food. My mind needs for me to keep up on not taking it so seriously, my spirit needs to continue to fall in love with myself.
This time, I’ll know to take short breaks in between and not procrastinate when I hear my senses calling. I’ll know when to say “Yes I can” and be comfortable saying “No thanks I cannot”. I know when to stop and when to go.. When to laugh and when to cry.. And know when it rains its ok to get wet.. And when its sunny.. Sometimes you can get burned. The signs are there.. All in balance.. One baby step at a time.