Getting naked!


God offers to every mind its choice between truth and repose.

Take which you please – you can never have both.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

It’s not easy to speak the truth.  When you are having a very bad day and someone, an acquaintance, asks:  “Hey, how are you doing?” Your first instinct would be to reply “Fine thanks. You?”  At that moment your mind starts to think for itself.  “You are not fine, darn it, you feel like crap!”  Why do we ever speak the truth when someone asks “Are you ok?”  Instead of replying fine, why don’t we say “Hey, NO, I’m not ok, I feel like shit and I want to crawl under a rock”?  Wouldn’t that be more authentic?

Obviously in society, we are conditioned to save those crappy moments in our lives for our loved ones.  We obviously do not want to look like “the drama queen of the office” or come off as “negative”, but sometimes I think if we really acknowledged how we felt.. Wouldn’t speaking the truth be cleansing?

Since this summer,  my theme is truth.  I’ve been walking around with my truth stone (Yes! I have a truth stone like the one in the picture above)  to remind me to tell myself the truth and not hide so much under a mask.  No no.. I do not go around town telling the milkman of my recent separation etc.. but I did catch myself telling the school’s crossing guard!!

The conversation looked like this:

Crossing guard:  “Hi, how are you?  Did you move?  I notice you come from the opposite direction now.”

Me:  “Yes, I moved down towards 20th avenue.  I’m separated. Back to being a single mom again!”

Notice how I threw in “I’m separated” and “single mom” in that answer! I’m sure you did!! I could have left it at 20th avenue.  Yet I have this tendency to want to gain sympathy I guess?  If I am speaking the truth here… isn’t that what I am doing by throwing in “I’m separated” into the conversation.  Maybe, maybe not. It really doesn’t matter.  What matters is that I am aware of this and that I know that its ok to need sympathy now, however, maybe not from the milkman himself! In my defence, I’ve known this crossing guard for at least 9 years. She helped my children cross the street every day when we lived on 14th, so openly declaring my recent separation, to me, means that I trust her and she is familiar.  Thus, I admit, I probably did need an acknowledgement, a tap on the shoulder, or a “its ok, you are strong!” kind of response.

Speaking the truth, removing the mask, taking off all my clothes (not literally phewf!)  leaves me feeling vulnerable, very vulnerable.  However, if I keep the mask on, I will be doing exact thing I cannot stand (Scorpio me):    Saying: “I’m fine” when obviously (I can tell right away ) you are feeling quite sad or angry!   It is hard for me to ignore when someone is feeling low.  Yet I have learned over the years, to let the person be once I have asked once “Are you ok”.  I am not a pro at it yet.  I sometimes drive my daughter crazy with this.  She tells me “Its ok mom” and I return and say: “Are you sure?”.   By then I have received the “teenage glare” that no mom can ignore.

I tore myself away from the safe comfort of certainties through my love for truth- and truth rewarded me. ~Simone de Beauvoir

Truthfully speaking, am I ok?  No, not always.  I’m I going to be ok?  Yes, eventually.  There are times when I am perfectly ok.  I am ok with my apartment, I am ok with my children, I am ok with my hair (on some days) I am ok with my goals… and yes, sometimes I still find joy in the little things and I still can laugh!  However, there are just some things I need to accept.  That will come in time.

If there is one thing I have learned from this process I am working on, which is:  breaking a lifetime of old habits, is that it is painful, it is a challenge, it is like digging a deep hole to go find some archeological relic which will eventually open my eyes to my past.  I can choose to dust off this piece and carefully look at it, appraise it and see its worth, or I can leave it where it came from and move on to the next piece.  I may also discover a whole new historical world there, which may be the discovery of the century!!

What I know for sure is:  delving into my history to find the “truth” and break the cycle of abuse will be the most loving, compassionate, caring, amazing thing I can do for myself right now. 

Truthfully!!!

11 thoughts on “Getting naked!

  1. Kim I am so happy to hear you are moving forward in truth and honesty with yourself first and foremost and with others, I hear you on the process as I am there as well learning to Be Me and all that entails and working through the past to heal and move forward in strength and fortitude with Being Real and renewed Joy.

    Love your authenticity and I am Blessed by you and it as well.

    blessings
    Sherry

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  2. Yay for you! In speaking your truth I mean. It gets easier as it goes. I found that in learning a new way of doing a particular thing, i.e., not just saying “I’m fine” when I’m not, I have gone to a bit of extreme and told the milkman, “Today sucks for me”. Eventually I find a happy middle ground and I suspect the same will happen for you in time. Then it’s on to the next thing you want to change and eventually you’ll notice yourself testing the waters before you discover where you’re comfortable swimming. I applaud you in making new changes. xo Jess

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  3. It’s difficult to speak our truth. It’s like a backwards Limbo; the more truth you speak the higher the bar rises and you discover even deeper truth that makes you even more afraid to “display”. But to do so is freeing, it sets those who don’t resonate with your truth free, making room for those who do. Never easy but we have to try. :) Keep at it!!

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  4. Great post Kim and one I needed to be reminded of. This is the third time this “truth” theme has come up for me this week. I think I need to listen to what the Universe (and you) are telling me. I most often keep my truth to myself to avoiding upsetting the apple cart, but I also think I unknowingly have kept the truth from myself for the same reason. I certainly have some exploring to do…

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  5. The truth has been a journey on its own for me. Something I wish to master, yet I know I may never master it in this life. However, what we can do for each other, is lift the veils and masks and show who we truly are… This for me, has been difficult when it comes to some members of my family.

    With this family I have online, I am finding it easier and easier to express who I am, and I am sure this will trickle slowly into my life in the here and now of my friends and family.. and if they do not like what they see under the mask, then they can continue to walk a different path because I am not changing direction. :)

    But truthfully speaking, I feel my spirit family so much! This is very comforting.
    :) Happy Day!

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  6. The truth has been a journey on its own for me. Something I wish to master, yet I know I may never master it in this life. However, what we can do for each other, is lift the veils and masks and show who we truly are… This for me, has been difficult when it comes to some members of my family.

    With this family I have online, I am finding it easier and easier to express who I am, and I am sure this will trickle slowly into my life in the here and now of my friends and family.. and if they do not like what they see under the mask, then they can continue to walk a different path because I am not changing direction. :)

    But truthfully speaking, I feel my spirit family so much! This is very comforting.
    :) Happy Day!

    Like

  7. Pingback: Going Back to Move Forward « Muse In The Valley

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