Ever wonder what the experience would be if we could see exactly what was going to happen in our lives before it happened? Although this idea sounds tempting, I think it would be to our detriment. To have a glimpse of our lives a few years ahead is possible when we take the time to visualise and work towards those goals. However, to see what is going to happen ahead of time would be like knowing the ending of a book before you actually crack the binder.
I remember when I was a teenager, my best friend Laurie gave me the book Black Beauty for my birthday. I remember the orange cover and the gorgeous picture of a black horse on the front. As I was perusing the picture, my friend turns to me and says: “The horse dies at the end!”. I looked at her in shock and probably told her profanity. I never read the book… it went in a box to charity.
The future is called “perhaps,” which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the only important thing is not to allow that to scare you. ~Tennessee Williams, Orpheus Descending, 1957
When I look back at the past 10 years. I see how, if I even had a glimpse of my future at the time, I could have jumped off a bridge. I arrived here in my town homeless. We were in a housing crisis, and there were no apartments available for a single mother of 2 young children (3 and 5). At the time I was on Welfare because I made the conscious choice of raising my children at home. I had decided that, since I was a single parent, that being there for them was important. Luckily my friend took me in for 2 months until we found our own place. Blessed I was then, blessed I am now.
Today, treading through these treacherous waters of depression, I also see the grace in all of this. We are back to a single parent unit. I am more often home than at work (taking care of myself), and I have choices to make. The guilt I am working through is enormous. Self-care has been such a challenge to me. Voices in my head “You should do ANY job to provide for your children” “What are you doing writing instead of answering the phone when work is calling?” If only I could have seen in a crystal ball that I would be feeling this way… if only…
… yet, the crystal ball would have shown me a woman crying in her bed devoid of self-worth. A woman who thought she did not deserve great things, great friends and a job that she loves. A woman who wants to live her passion, and do what it takes to find that passion. A woman who has so much to give to this world.. Yet doesn’t know how to do it!
The crystal balls has been accessible all along.. its been the visions I hold so dear, that appear out of nowhere and come to me right before I fall asleep.
… this vision of despair is not the same vision I had when I was 4. When I was 4 I saw in my mind people of all ages, race and religions holding hands to make a chain around the world. That vision is truth: We are all one and we are all connected. That, my friend, is the only vision I need to hold on to.
My mother, out of love and care, told me that day: “Kimmie you cannot change the world” .. I cried myself to sleep that night at her disbelief. Yet I know today, even without seeing what’s going to happen in the next 10 years of my life:
With no disrespect to my mom… “Yes I can MOM… yes I can.. And I will!… In fact.. I think I have already started!!!”