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Going Back to Move Forward


Less than two days left in this old year! Astrologically speaking, that is. On Tuesday, March 20, at 1:14 am EST, the Sun moves into Aries, starting a brand new Zodiac year. This also marks the Vernal Equinox and the beginning of spring in the Northern Hemisphere.  

~Jennifer Shelton FemCentral

In her post today, My year in review and why you should do it too,  Jennifer Shelton writes about the importance of this review.  She states:  ” its  another way to be mindfully aware of what we are doing, so that we are not “sleep walking” through life. Major changes can result with little effort, if we bring awareness to our actions and choices.”

So, in the spirit of being mindful, and wanting to really SEE how far I have come in the past year, here is my review!
In this post, I am already questioning my love for teaching.  Back then, I suspected I was overwhelmed, and probably already suffering from depression.  Feeling overwhelmed I write:
Now I am at a crossroads. I need to bring income into my home, I need to work, however, I do not have the stamina to get into a room of 27 students and babysit them all day. Children today are not the same with subs, and even worse with subs who are not feeling well. They sense it!! and they kill me!!
I can see now, from this blog post, I am starting to see a transformation coming on.  I feel, when I reread this post, that I was preparing myself for TODAY.  In an excerpt I state:
Embarking on a new adventure is always scary. I can stay in the same old rut because it seems to feel safe, however; a rut is not comforting at all! Soon becomes so stale it stinks and I want to be free, which, in turn, begins to cause me great anxiety.

Here I am on an emotional roller coaster.  I feel its time to change my life around, yet, looking back, I was too scared  to do so.  I write:

For some sadness is pain, but to me there is something bigger hiding inside. You know the hurt you feel in your chest? I have to feel it and ride it out, because these past couple of years I’ve been trying to suppress that pain, which in turn has causes me grief. I get panic, anxiety, digestion problems…etc.. All that craziness for blocking the true feelings that live within my soul. 

A turning point!  I find myself searching for this light, that I KNOW is there!  After this post, many of the truths I needed to tell myself came up!  I decided it was time to change my life and jump!

Therefore, this is where I’m at. I’m at the point of renewal. I’ve seen this in my horoscope, on friends FB pages, on twitter.. The message is loud and clear! It is that time for me again. Time to shed my snake skin.

THIS!! Is where I totally started to break free!  After receiving a Tarot Reading from my friend  Sylvia van Bruggen she wrote an intuitive short story for me.  This story resonated with me in more ways than you can imagine. I decided to shed my relationship, this, was a HUGE step for me.  I even had an AHA moment recently.  Here is an excerpt:

….She enjoyed life so much, she played with the birds, danced with the butterflies and giggled at the rabbits as they raced ahead of her on the path. Then she found some stones along her path, and without realizing why, she put those stones in her back pack. Before long the back pack became so heavy her shoulders began to ache and she no longer saw the rabbits, the birds and the butterflies. All she knew was that she had to walk on, with her heavy bag…

August 2011:  Lily Pad

In August of 2011, my dream interpretations started going live!  My first post was Zakaphorian Dreams.  I was also desperately looking for a new place to live with my children.  So much happened that month, good and challenging.  Here is a quote from Maya Angelou which I attached to the poem I wrote.  I wanted to go home.

The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned. 
Maya Angelou

As my depression grew deeper and deeper, I was constantly trying to find ways to boost my self-esteem.  I truly believe in what I wrote in this post, however, it was a time of great reflection. No excerpts needed, feel free to check out the post.

This post came after being unplugged for 21 days.  The kids and I had moved into our NEW apartment, our home, in the beginning of the month.  This is when everything HIT me and I was truly exhausted.  I write:

When the time came to move out of my life and into this new one.  I was so excited.  I was counting down the days to freedom, and boy oh boy I couldn’t wait!  I would finally be free!! … I had no clue what I was going to face once in my new place, yet I was so sure it would be much better than where I was..  Yet, to my surprise I was faced with something even more scary:  Myself!!!

Nov. 2011:  Getting Naked

In November, I am really feeling it!  I’m lost, I’m afraid, and I have no clue what is going on with my life.  Work is killing me, I am crying every day.  This is the month I walk into a clinic and get help! HELP ME!! So grateful I did, because now I have an amazing therapist who really “gets me”!

It’s not easy to speak the truth.  When you are having a very bad day and someone, an acquaintance, asks:  “Hey, how are you doing?” Your first instinct would be to reply “Fine thanks. You?”  At that moment your mind starts to think for itself.  “You are not fine, darn it, you feel like crap!”  Why do we ever speak the truth when someone asks “Are you ok?”  Instead of replying fine, why don’t we say “Hey, NO, I’m not ok, I feel like shit and I want to crawl under a rock”?  Wouldn’t that be more authentic?

Dec. 2011:  Autentica

December!! Oh great December!  I remember this time, trying to keep face to have a happy Christmas with the children.  The worry, the anxiety, yet finding joy in decorations and baking.  I also decided to stop working, and to take care of ME!

As 2011 ends and 2012 begins… The passage will not be felt, but the continuous movement towards my wise self will followed by light, forwarded by love and entered with faith so strong nothing will stop who I have become.

This post came out for many reasons.  First, I started feeling “judged” for having clinical depression.  Plus, the Bell Canada Let’s Talk campaign was advertizing for Feb 8th, where people around Canada were going to openly talk about depression.  This is one of my most popular posts!

I am writing this post today because I think the world needs a crash course in depression. It affects many of us, men, women, children and teens.. yet I feel there is still a stigma attached to it. Those who have never experienced depression, cannot understand the challenges our minds and bodies experience.

Feb. 2012:  February a Time for Love – Self-Love

I truly believe this is the month I WOKE UP!! A slow wake up, however, I truly discovered and melted into who I really am.. and it was the beginning of the love story between me and me!

…I will sing myself a love song, write myself a love letter and maybe even share some of this new-found love with my children and all of you.. Actually I know I will share all this love I have inside.. because it is there.. waiting to be shared.. but first I need to stash away just a little for me…

Doing this review, allowed me to see how far I have come in the past year.  What I have accomplished is amazing.  The most important thing about this year is staying TRUE to who I am, and not letting others dictate to me what I should or should not do.. most importantly, not letting others DEFINE who I am.  

Kim

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8 thoughts on “Going Back to Move Forward”

  1. And the journey of life continues. One day at a time.

    Thank you for sharing your journey over the last year. Keep up the great work on yourself with discovering and claiming your right to love yourself.

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