Spring Of Life


Until you’ve found pain, you won’t reach the cure
Until you’ve given up life, you won’t unite with the supreme soul
Until you’ve found fire inside yourself, like the Friend,
You won’t reach the spring of life.
Rumi ♥

 

When I first wrote about my depression, in Let The Truth Be Known I Suffer from Depression (1st in a series of 4),  I opened the doors to my soul.  Laying out my experience for everyone and out into the Universe, brought me closer to you my friends and my readers, consequently, it also brought me closer to myself.  I discovered I am not alone suffering in the darkness, and happily so, I had hands to hold along the way.  I even made new connections and built new relationships with those who are or were in the dark too.

This was in January.  Today, after almost 5 months in therapy, and 3 months on medication,  I am actually starting to feel my two feet on the ground again, and the feeling is amazing!  I have made many changes and created a life of quiet. YES! I am a hermit (for now) however, think of it this way, I went from a lifetime of self-hate to entering a new life of self-love.  I want to bask in it, smell it, live it and breathe it! 

I spoke last week about, “taking out the garbage” and wanting to create more loving and meaningful relationships.  This task starts with creating a loving relationship with myself.  So, keeping this in mind, I had to separate myself physically from the world (in a sense) in order to commune with me and with God.  I know I am not separate in spirit.  My spirit is connected with all of you and with the source, so technically, at that time I was connected, just not in ways others think I should.  

Forget what everyone else thinks and live your marvelous life!!!

Creating a loving bond with the person I am allows me to feel true love, the love I have been longing for almost ALL my life, because truthfully I am love.  Love isn’t something to long for, love is something inside each and every one of us.

Hate separates!

The self-hate probably started around 12 or 13, when I thought everyone else abandoned me.  

As the years went by, what I did was abandon myself.  I gained and lost weight, I entered into abusive relationships, I even tried drugs (that didn’t work THANK GOD!!) I gave up everything I loved and adored doing.. my dreams went down the drain.  I was literally living according to the expectations of everyone else and I constantly felt OBLIGATED!  I started looking on the outside for things no one could really give to me.  I fell in love with the potential of love, and this left me empty and scared.

When enough is enough!

When I was at the deepest point of my depression, I felt like I was in a deep dark well.  It was cold, its was terrifying, and I felt like I was drowning in gunk. I prayed for someone to come find me and take me away from what I had, in reality, created all by myself.   Then, the water started freezing my skin, and rose up to my neck,  that is when I looked up and saw a tiny little light up above me.  It was not a person shining a flash light, no rescue worker coming my way, it was your light and it was my light.   The light of everyone who cheered me on during that dark time, I finally grasped onto it and up out of the well I went.  Your light and love, became my light and love.  The meds became the bridge which helped my feet stand on the ground.  

I believe!

They say when you heal on the inside, it starts showing up on the outside.  This, I discovered this week to be so true!  My home is less cluttered, my plants are doing GREAT!, and I can finally look at myself in the mirror again and smile.  I went out last week to get purple streaks in my hair, along with a much needed hair cut, and now I cannot stop looking at myself in the mirror.. I feel pretty again.  I bought myself some new clothes, and just yesterday, I refilled my makeup bag!

Playing spring chicken!

The thing is, I didn’t do all this to attract a new mate in my life.. (which in fact is what the old me would have done) I did all this for me.  This is the difference and I feel it.

I feel in the flow, the Universe is providing me with everything I need, and when this happens, I KNOW I am on the right path.  If I was having tons of difficulties right now, I would be asking myself:  How am I creating this?  So.. when doubts arise like yesterday (yep I started doubting my path) I remind myself of the old “self-sabotaging” me who likes to tease like a jester.  

And.. like last week’s garbage, I told it to EFF off too!  

My feet are on the ground.  I’m dancing.. and singing.. and laughing, and enjoying this little heaven right here and right now!

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13 thoughts on “Spring Of Life

  1. Kim, this leaves such a warm feeling in my gut to know that you are making positive steps and that you are doing your own part in your healing; not leaving it up to the medication and the therapist to cure you when you know they are only temporary tools. The healing always comes from within just as much as the damage we do does.

    I leave you what The Universe has said through one of your favourite, Wayne Dyer on his Perpetual Calendar for “The Power Of Intention” which is a great book/audio CD as well.

    March 27

    Raise yourself to the level of energy where you are the light you seek, where you are the happiness you desire, where you are the love you feel is missing, where you are the unlimited abundance you crave.

    Kim, I honestly believe with your post today in Muse In The Valley The Universe is speaking not only to me, but needed me to share this with you.

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    • “Raise yourself to the level of energy where you are the light you seek, where you are the happiness you desire, where you are the love you feel is missing, where you are the unlimited abundance you crave.”

      Yes my therapist and meds are the most amazing bridge in this journey. One doesn’t go without the other, and most importantly, the work I do on this journey with them in hand.. is what makes is all go round.!

      xxoo

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      • I am sorry I had the wrong date, but obviously The Universe wanted me to deliver that message because it wasn’t until this morning when I saw it was the 29th, I realized I had quoted the wrong date and it was 5 Months til my 60th Birthday. Both made me realize it wasn’t worth fretting over something I can’t change so SMILE. Life goes on. ☺

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  2. Kim, that was amazing and so inspiring! I too have felt so many of the same things you wrote about. I particularly connected with the looking up and hoping someone would “come and rescue me” part. They never do and they usually screw you down deeper into the pit! Just have to say, when I finished reading your post while riding the train home, the sun came out and bright light beamed through the windows! Light so bright I closed my eyes and felt the warmth on my face. It and your story was beautiful. You are a most gifted and untuitive writer! Thanks!

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  3. Pingback: Time to Take OUT the Garbage! « Muse In The Valley

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