I Say Goodbye, and I Say Hello!


This will be my last personal post here at https://bestisyettocome.wordpress.com.  Friday I am switching over to a “secret” location.  A blog with my own domain, a more personal and sacred place which better reflects my readers and the work I have done.
Don’t you worry, I will Tweet, Facebook, and even come to this address Friday to redirect you to the new site.  I will keep this blog open for a year, since Pattie Lee, the lovely woman behind all the work on the new place, has imported all my archives to the website I call my sanctuary.

THANK YOU PATTIE!!!!

Pattie Lee, find her blog here, is one of the most kind-hearted, funny, loving, and hard-working women I have met online.  I, Kim Larocque, thank Pattie with all my heart.  Not only has she put up with me fooling around at the new site, to then later have to clean up my mess, she has guided me throughout this whole experience.  She even made a personal tutorial through ADOBE to show me the ropes of html and all those codes I have no clue about.  I message her at least once or twice a day with a question and she always happily answers me.  Pattie generously gifted me the new site and domain.  I am grateful for her love and support throughout this transition.

It’s all about moving forward!

Speaking about transitions, I honestly feel a bit nostalgic writing this last personal post.   It is not really about saying goodbye to you, my readers…. we will all meet on the new site, however, it’s about  leaving this comfortable place which began to feel like a cozy pair of old shoes you never want to throw out.  Getting out there, out of my comfort zone, and truly saying hello to something completely new and quite scary, is truly symbolic of embracing my new self, my new life, and my new friends.  Furthermore, to witness and experience all the new “zones” which have come up in my writing.  The dream interpretations, the articles, the guest posts, and now as J.M. Richardson, author of The Twenty-Nine,  has recently honored me with the title:  Literary Blogger.  Really?  I am so excited!

BUT There is one more post to come tomorrow.  It is Author of the Week Thursdays!

I interviewed Steven Luna, author of Joe Vampire.  You really do not want to miss this post, as I laughed my head off just reading the answers to his questions.  Yes, there is some really serious stuff in this interview, however, I love Steven’s sense of humor and I am sure you will appreciate it too, plus you get to discover a super awesome vampire like no other!

So no goodbyes, we will meet Friday June 29th on secretdomain.com (hahaha).  The launch will be shared on Twitter, Facebook, and here.  So be sure to follow me on one or all of those sites.

In the meantime, GO check out what Muse In The Valley’s contributors have to give away  for the Launch Party:  

Launch Party GIVEAWAYS

Love and blessed light!

Dear Deadbeat Parent


“It’s not only children who grow.  Parents do too.  As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.  I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun.  All I can do is reach for it, myself.”

                                                                        ~Joyce Maynard

Dear DeadBeat Parent,

Let’s be clear about one thing, this letter is not about putting you down, or making you look bad, this letter is truth, and I think, as I speak for myself, my children and all the other  single moms and dads out there struggling for support.

How the heck do you do it?

That is the question, how can you walk away, knowing that your flesh and blood, your children, are out there, crying at 3 am,  living their lives, going to school, running with holes in their shoes,  making new friends, scraping their knees, getting their hearts broken, graduating, having birthdays, menstruating, fabricating, and creating?  Your children are getting all A’s or struggling with C’s.. they are dyslexic, anorexic, or athletic. They are learning to walk or learning to drive.  They are  sick in hospital, or hiding out at the park, longboarding, skateboarding, wakeboarding or snowboarding.  They can add, subtract, divide and multiply, recite the alphabet and sing a song.   They can touch their toes,  lick their nose, spray a hose, and make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. They smile with pride when they accomplish a goal, or cry in disappointment when things go wrong. They laugh with their friends, and play pretend.

There is one thing they cannot do: They can’t share any of this with you! 

Do you ever wonder how they are?

As I watch my two leave for school, all grown up and proud of who they are, I remember it wasn’t always this way.  When they were little, they would compare themselves to those who had a daddy in their lives.  Even though sometimes the dad was apart from their children, he was present.  I wonder if you are present even when you see them.

When you speak to us, all I hear is:  “Wait, I’ll be there (financially and emotionally) when I get back on my feet”. This, every single time you call for the past 15 years.  Isn’t that a tiring response? Have you even challenged yourself to reach the “feet on the ground” trick?  And really, what does that mean to be “back on your feet”?  I mean there were times when, during my single mom moments, that I was unbalanced, unprepared, unsafe, unwell, underestimating myself. I  often felt unloved, unsupported, unappreciated and yes, at times, unhappy.  However, I still laugh at my kid’s corny jokes, or, when they were little, sat with them in the living room having a Teddy Bear picnic. To tell you the truth  is was then, and is now, those times when I feel or felt most grounded.  Kids have a way of doing that, bring you back to who you are:  A fun, loving, caring and attentive parent.

So, let me get this straight then, quality time = needing feet on ground?

Interesting….

Another question, and its an important one, how does one “detach” themselves from their own children. How does that work?  Do you turn off the love valve, or ignore your own feelings?  Do you imagine they do not exist, that they do not need your love, or they are aliens from another planet?  How do you not listen to them each time you call when they say: “Dad I miss you, I love you and I really want to spend more time with you?” I mean, often, when they were little, they would cry for you daily.  They would ask me where you are and why you couldn’t pick them up that weekend. Then, who was left with their anger and picking up the pieces you have broken?  Yep!  ME!!

It takes a Village, and the Village won!

Also, how do you convince yourself that financial support for your children is only my job or the job of my dad, my mom, good friends and family? How do you feel when you cannot provide for those glasses, the braces, their food, a roof over their heads?  How do you sleep at night when you know they need winter clothes, hats and boots, or need a trip to the dentist? Doesn’t that bother you? I know I cannot handle it for very long. I wonder if you know how much guilt I have felt over the years having to say no every time they NEEDED something.. I mean kids often want things, and sometimes even when they do not need an item it is a challenge to say no. Imagine when they NEED new shoes, money for a birthday party, school trips and events, camp, school fees, books, acne cream, and sanitary napkins.

The words “because your dad doesn’t give us a dime!” almost comes out of my mouth in anger, yet I resist.  Ok.. ONCE!!  I did, in a moment of panic at a grocery store because I didn’t even have a dollar left to buy my daughter a pack of gum.  She was having this huge 4 year old fit, and the frustration I felt was bigger than not being able to buy a pack of Juicy Fruit.

MAKE IT HAPPEN!

That is what I do.  I’m an acrobat who makes things happen. A magician of sorts.  I step on my pride, run to church sales, stand in line at food banks, walked into community centers, worked, even when I was unwell to the point that I had to stop!   I run campaigns, and ask for money.. I have even been criticized for that once.  Yet, the support from friends and strangers is amazing.. but you wouldn’t know.. do you?

Call me super mom with one weakness:

I play a huge role –HUGE!–in their lives, if you havn’t noticed.  However, do you know what goes through my mind, VERY OFTEN.  As dreadful as this sounds, I worry.  I think about “what if I passed away?  Who would take care of them like I do?  Listen, care, nurture, and love them?  Who would fight for them, cry for them, let them speak their mind without reprimand?  Who would do that?  Certainly not you.  You are not back on your feet yet!

So as I sit here looking at their pictures on my wall, while they are at school, I think about how I chose you to be their father, and if there is one thing I AM grateful for is that I have them because of you.

My daughter said yesterday, despite her own “dad” issues:  “Dad IS the best dad to me, because he is my dad and I love him”.

You are, one lucky guy!

P.S.   Take the challenge, pick up the phone, get that job, stick with it, and have a Teddy Bear picnic with them no matter how old your children are.  You will find ground, I promise.

“The guys who fear becoming fathers don’t understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man.  The end product of child raising is not the child but the parent.”

~Frank Pittman, Man Enough

Slip Sliding Away


“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.”
Eckhart Tolle

Sometimes, in the course of healing, something happens to bring you off course. The picture of a person walking down the street on a gorgeous winter day comes to mind.  They walk content, breathing in the fresh air, the beauty of the snow on the trees is breathtaking, children are busy building snowmen, and if you look towards the horizon, the sun is gently setting giving the snow a yellow hue… then suddenly, while lost in thought, they lose their footing and frantically start slipping on the ice which was hiding underneath the freshly fallen snow.. I see this person frantically trying to keep their balance in order not to fall on the hard surface below, and with one swoop of an arm, and good reflexes, they stand upright, shaken but not stirred.

This is how I feel right now.. shaken:  Time to “ground” myself focus on the NOW.

My first instinct is to find my ground, to take out my toolbox, and to remind myself that “this too shall pass”.  However, when I see the veil right in front of me, trying to fix itself over the chestnut brown of my eyes, I am afraid.  I try to fight these feelings, yet as I fight, they get stronger, yet, I fear if I let the veil envelop me, I will fall, slip and find darkness again.

Then the blaming starts!

“Oh Kim, you must have done something wrong on your path for you to feel depressed again” Shouts my mind!

“See, you procrastinated, and now look what happens, you fail”  My Fox News ego speaks (an unreliable source I may add) .

“Who will love you when you are not broken”   My tape plays….

I thought I threw them out!

“Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.”
Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose

It is wise to say, when going through depression, or any life challenge,  there will be times when the scenery will not always be pleasant, and one may lose their footing. The tendency to want to “beat” ourselves up is strong.. well at least in my case.  I found myself this week, ruminating, obsessing, worrying, and just focusing on the things I haven’t accomplished, or procrastinated on instead of looking at the things I have done.  I mean, I have not let everything go when I am in these moods.  I still cook, clean, support and love my children, pay bills, write, decorate, encourage my friends, talk to my mom, walk, laugh, sing, and relax with a good book.

Switching my focus, helped me switch on the light, when I started to feel the veil of darkness come over me.

BUT!! Who will catch me when I fall?

This is the most challenging part.  I have always been in co-dependant relationships and friendships.  My self-esteem was so low at one point that I never thought that alone, I could do things for myself.  There were also many co-dependants with me on my ride, so I had to cut off many from my life, some out of love, some out of necessity.  So when you are at the stage when it is time to create new friendships, but the trust is not there yet.  What to do?

This is my worst fear, I had a little scare a couple of weeks ago (an old health problem) and thought I may have to go to the emergency.  I called my daughter home from school just in case, so she could be here when my son got home.  I never ended up needing to go, things healed, however, this brought up a new fear. Who would be here if something happened?  Who would watch the children?  Who would feed them and send them to school?  Their father is not in the picture much, my mom lives in Ottawa?  My best friend already has 4 kids?

What if ? What if ?  What if?

Negative what if’s can be deadly… UNLESS, you change them.  Yes, it is good to plan for things that may arise, however, if I changed my what if’s to .. What if things work out?  What if my children take great care on their own?  What if I get a surprise visit from my mom? What if I stay healthy? What if… You get the picture.   This would be admitting that I trusted the Universe to take care of things as they arise, and that I have the right to continue my journey without worry, as long as I continue to take care of myself, and my children.

Wouldn’t it be nice… to completely surrender?

There are things I need, friendships, hugs, kisses, comfort, companionship, sharing, and activities that make me feel good.  I need to pray, to drink lots of water, to pray, and to surrender.. did I say pray?   Yet, it would be nice to just be able to ride this life without worries about money, health, relationships, and love.  Yet, I know there will be a day when I do not “slip” into these bad habits anymore, or if I do, they will be in passing.  I am a spirit in a human body after all!  The mind is strong, and loves to keep me on my toes, however, what I know for sure, is that I want to buy myself some cleats to protect me from falling, yet we cannot predict a fall, and cleats are uncomfortable.  That would feel like wearing helmet on my head every day just in case?  Not wise, plus it would hide my purple streaks!  I can’t do that!

Uncertainty:   I must accept you!

There are actions I can take to help me feel more secure, this would mean, getting regular check ups, finding a “go to” person in case of emergency, continuing my therapy, and making sure I do not put things off for too long, such as, doing my taxes (which I have been).  Most importantly, when I start to slip, I may call out to you so I can hang on for a little while.. not to depend on you, but to feel your support until the ice melts, and the veil lifts.  I promise I will do the same in return.

Is that ok?

What do you do when you feel like you are slipping?  Who are your “go to” people?

Moving Day!


“What the caterpillar calls the end the rest of the world calls a butterfly.”

~Lao Tzu~ 

 For the next few weeks, the children and I will be starting another chapter in our lives.   I close this book, like I close all books I’ve enjoyed reading…I hug and kiss the book with a sense of sadness that its over, and anticipating the next “good read”!  All good books have chapters we want to rush through, or paragraphs that make us angry.  They have passages where we laugh, and some where we cry, yet all good books leave us with a story… a memory… and inspiration. 

As I leave this chapter in my life.. I leave with no regrets.. no resentments … no sense of loss.  I leave here warm hearted knowing!! Yes KNOWING that this is where exactly where I am supposed to be.

I have let go of my baggage, cleansed my soul, and leave a hint of love in this place I called my home. 

I leave grateful…

I leave proud…

I leave knowing I am the author of my life.

Love and light

See you in a couple of weeks!

How I made the world stop by creating a halt.


“If you want to reach a state of bliss, then go beyond your ego and the internal dialogue. Make a decision to relinquish the need to control, the need to be approved, and the need to judge. Those are the three things the ego is doing all the time. It’s very important to be aware of them every time they come up.” ~Deepak Chopra

 

Can everyone just be quiet?!

Almost 2 years ago, in November 2009, I felt the world seemingly crashing down on me. I had an episode in the shower, which led to other health issues I needed to sort out, I wasn’t well in my body, my spirit felt broken… I felt I needed an umbrella to protect me from the falling sky, yet with every gust of wind, my protection kept on flipping upside down.

Lets go back a couple of years. In 2008 things at home where not going as planned, my relationship was taking a turn for the worst, my son was bullied at school, and I had this huge sense of always feeling overwhelmed. What was keeping me going that year, was my work. I would literally escape there.. I loved the school I was in and the kids I was teaching. However, slowly I felt the trickling of wear and tear of my home life seeping in, as the tears would start to show up there too!

In 2009, I took “the teaching contract from hell”.   I was burning out. My excitement of starting in a new school took the wayside as every eraser, pen, pencil in class was being thrown at me. These kids were NOT like the kids I was used to and I felt like I was thrown in with the sharks! No wonder I was about to fall… somehow by constantly yelling at the Universe “STOP I want to get off this damn ride” I created an opportunity to do so.

How do I love thee? Let me count the stops…

Since, March 2010.. I have almost been at a complete halt. I was put on sick leave, for a few weeks (again after being on sick leave from December to January, and began 2010 as a substitute teacher. That was when I decided I was going to think of ME and take the calls I really needed to take and leave the rest. I decided that 2011 was the year to get well and be selfish. It was the year to STOP, get off, lay low, shoot the breeze.. You get the picture.

So I put everything on pause and said:

“Wait a effin’ minute here! I matter, I’m sick and about to explode so I am taking a break” “Whomever doesn’t like what I am doing can go….. Well can go FLUFF UP A GUM TREE!”

This morning…I was reading Jo Anna Rothman’s blog post: (for some reason WordPress will not let me link to Jo Anna’s blog.  I will add the link at the end of this post.. thanks)

How I fell in love with my life

She was saying how she began courting herself as she not longer wanted to feel crappy:  she created an opening…  she states:

“I paid attention to my needs. My wants. My desires.”

That is all we have to do right?  And so it is…

Well guess what? This summer I courted myself. At first, I felt guilty, lazy, dumb, selfish (in a bad way) and spoiled.. All the names you would call a couch potato. Although I would have preferred a spot beside a willow tree, I set up an office on my trusty couch; where I kept my journals, my online friendships, all here in my laptop, on my couch, in my office. I did my spiritual work, my blogging, my dream interpretations. I was (and still am) actually BUILDING something. The kids visit me here, and I close the lappy if they need my time and my attention.. Even my dogs joined in the fun!

Now, if you haven’t stopped reading because you think I’m a crackpot, let me explain. I still washed dishes, cooked dinner, cleaned house (sort of lol) took care of teen crises, loved, tucked in , laughed and played. However, most of the time the need to just be, to be quiet and alone was greater. The need to connect, to write, to draw, to listen, to read, to analyse, to discover, to reflect, to rest… was way more important than continuing the cycle I was on. The pendulum had to swing completely to the right from the left to come back in the middle.

This is where I am at NOW! Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I felt good, and the feeling was almost foreign to me. I felt relaxed, uninterrupted by my mind, my thoughts or my fears. I held on being in that vortex for as long as I could. Today I feel the same…. Yet I am not going to JUMP off my couch and run the marathon. This time.. I am going to break out slowly. The amazing circle of friends I have met online, has really encouraged me to spend less time online. When I log back on, I know they are still there. I don’t feel like I’ve missed anything.. On the contrary, going back online hours later is filled with more discoveries. Also, I connect more with myself, I don’t delve into the internet to escape from what I am feeling.

My Life is My Creation

So even if my soon to be X was concerned all summer that I did absolutely nothing, and I am sure others were worried.. I did something important that not everyone will understand.. And that’s ok with me! I would be worried if I didn’t have the urge to get up anymore… but I do!! I needed this time desperately and finally I was able to listen to what my mind, my spirit and my body needed.

Now my body needs excercise and good healthy food. My mind needs for me to keep up on not taking it so seriously, my spirit needs to continue to fall in love with myself.

This time, I’ll know to take short breaks in between and not procrastinate when I hear my senses calling. I’ll know when to say “Yes I can” and be comfortable saying “No thanks I cannot”. I know when to stop and when to go.. When to laugh and when to cry.. And know when it rains its ok to get wet.. And when its sunny.. Sometimes you can get burned. The signs are there.. All in balance.. One baby step at a time.

Jo Anna’s blog could be found here:

http://www.receivingproject.com/how-i-fell-in-love-with-my-life

Beware or Be Aware


Beware of missing chances; otherwise it may be altogether too late some day.

Franz Liszt

be aware

beware

The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware.

Henry Miller quotes

There is a debate in some word forums on the net.  Do beware and be aware mean the same thing?

Obviously one: be aware, refers to our spacial surroundings, and beware is a warning.  However, taken into context, I see how the use of the words be aware, can drastically change how one approaches something  scary.  Beware of the spider tells you the spider is dangerous and may or may not kill you!  Be aware of the spider lets you know there is a spider around, but you can work around it if you are AWARE of its P8200067presence.

Which brings me to today’s post.  This weekend, Uncle David, took the children to Les Cascades De Rawdon

I was quite apprehensive at first, because I was in no mood to be beach bum that day, and I was letting my children go somewhere they have never been before. I tagged along anyway to take pictures, but David led the way to the rocks.  The first sign one sees going down is: (it says access to rocks is forbidden)

I’ve been trying to teach my children (and myself) to be AWARE of their surroundings.  Sometimes, especially in this IPOD tech age, I see kids blindly crossing the street, or carelessly riding their bikes with headphones in their ears.  They are not always aware of the cars or people around them, and sometimes accidents happen.

Everyone going down the stairs never stopped to look at the sign, they just trotted on down fearlessly walking towards the rocks to find a place to perch themselves to sunbathe and maybe swim. My children were going off on their own it was then I pointed to uncle David and yelled “Follow his lead, stay with David!”  They changed direction and met up with him.

The next half hour was quite scary.  Although I was looking from above (didn’t stay down) I could not see my children Swimming forbidden!anymore. I could see David’s white hat, but no kids.  After awhile my eyes caught a glimpse of their tiny bodies and I saw they were swimming.   My mind was screaming (BEWARE of the current) but obviously they didn’t hear me.  Then, not 10 minutes later, the first thunderclaps came along with the dark clouds above.  Rain started falling and people were all coming out of the water and off the rocks to climb back up the stairs to safety.

… but NOT my children.

I saw David grabbing his stuff and carefully walking the rocks towards the stairs, but NOT MY CHILDREN!   My children were in their own bubble, and unaware of what was going on around them.  They didn’t see the clouds, they didn’t notice the people leaving, they were swimming like fish away from where they should be heading.  They were on an adventure!  All the way on the other side of the lake/chutes.  I was panicking! They obviously weren’t.. not by then but…

When the kids finally took a minute to look around and saw thatP8200068 David was gone from his spot, they later told me, they were scared.  They didn’t know which way to go for safety as they were too far from the shore they came from, but close enough to another shore “The Private Campground” (see in pic the little log house).   R took his car to see if he could drive to the other side.  He got there and the children were starting to head back towards me and David.  My daughter panicked. She was stuck on a rock and too scared to go either way anymore, the current around her was strong..  Her friend coached her down and the kids finally found their way to R as he was frantically waving and screaming to get their attention.

They got up.. They were safe!

All the signs say BEWARE, but everyone ignores the signs.  Isn’t better to be AWARE of what is going on around you?  The children obviously would have seen David and the crowd leaving the rocks and making their way back to safety.   In our own lives, are we always AWARE of what is going on around us? I know I tend to go into my bubble at shopping malls and accidentally bump into all kinds of people and things.  As adults do we really pay attention to:  BEWARE?

I think most of us do, but when 100 or so people are doing the same dangerous thing at once, we tend to say OK, well that’s not so bad, let’s go!   Yet, would you enter someone’s yard if you saw this big  sign:  BEWARE of dog? I don’t think so. Who wants to find out the hard way what resides on the other side of the fence?  Especially if you hear its incessant barking!  Those things we pay attention to.

So, what makes you pay attention?

Thinking of this story, what moment in your life did you get hurt or miss out on something big because you did not pay attention to the signs?

Let me know in the comments below..

As an added note:  Our dreams are signs, they manifest because we are NOT being aware of what is going on in our real lives.  If you have any dreams you want me to check out.  Send me an email:  kim.larocque@sympatico.ca