Happy Father’s Day – Daddy, a poem


To my dad and all dads who care enough to give the very best of themselves to their children.

 

 

DADDY!

Let me tell you a story,

I swear to God its true,

The first love of my life,

Was really really you!

In the early morning,

I loved to watch you shave,

And when you suited up for work,

Love hit me like a wave.

You kissed me every morning,

And hugged me every night,

Laughing at your stories,

Left me sleeping snug and tight.

Your love for things like music,

Words and silly games,

Has followed me my lifetime,

And keeps my mind aflame.

I was a little jealous.

of things that took your time.

This makes me a wee bit sad,

As I write this little rhyme.

The woman I have now become,

Today I know you see !

And because of you, my dad!

I am all that I can be!!

Happy Father’s Day dad,

I love you mucho grande!

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Dear Deadbeat Parent


“It’s not only children who grow.  Parents do too.  As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.  I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun.  All I can do is reach for it, myself.”

                                                                        ~Joyce Maynard

Dear DeadBeat Parent,

Let’s be clear about one thing, this letter is not about putting you down, or making you look bad, this letter is truth, and I think, as I speak for myself, my children and all the other  single moms and dads out there struggling for support.

How the heck do you do it?

That is the question, how can you walk away, knowing that your flesh and blood, your children, are out there, crying at 3 am,  living their lives, going to school, running with holes in their shoes,  making new friends, scraping their knees, getting their hearts broken, graduating, having birthdays, menstruating, fabricating, and creating?  Your children are getting all A’s or struggling with C’s.. they are dyslexic, anorexic, or athletic. They are learning to walk or learning to drive.  They are  sick in hospital, or hiding out at the park, longboarding, skateboarding, wakeboarding or snowboarding.  They can add, subtract, divide and multiply, recite the alphabet and sing a song.   They can touch their toes,  lick their nose, spray a hose, and make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. They smile with pride when they accomplish a goal, or cry in disappointment when things go wrong. They laugh with their friends, and play pretend.

There is one thing they cannot do: They can’t share any of this with you! 

Do you ever wonder how they are?

As I watch my two leave for school, all grown up and proud of who they are, I remember it wasn’t always this way.  When they were little, they would compare themselves to those who had a daddy in their lives.  Even though sometimes the dad was apart from their children, he was present.  I wonder if you are present even when you see them.

When you speak to us, all I hear is:  “Wait, I’ll be there (financially and emotionally) when I get back on my feet”. This, every single time you call for the past 15 years.  Isn’t that a tiring response? Have you even challenged yourself to reach the “feet on the ground” trick?  And really, what does that mean to be “back on your feet”?  I mean there were times when, during my single mom moments, that I was unbalanced, unprepared, unsafe, unwell, underestimating myself. I  often felt unloved, unsupported, unappreciated and yes, at times, unhappy.  However, I still laugh at my kid’s corny jokes, or, when they were little, sat with them in the living room having a Teddy Bear picnic. To tell you the truth  is was then, and is now, those times when I feel or felt most grounded.  Kids have a way of doing that, bring you back to who you are:  A fun, loving, caring and attentive parent.

So, let me get this straight then, quality time = needing feet on ground?

Interesting….

Another question, and its an important one, how does one “detach” themselves from their own children. How does that work?  Do you turn off the love valve, or ignore your own feelings?  Do you imagine they do not exist, that they do not need your love, or they are aliens from another planet?  How do you not listen to them each time you call when they say: “Dad I miss you, I love you and I really want to spend more time with you?” I mean, often, when they were little, they would cry for you daily.  They would ask me where you are and why you couldn’t pick them up that weekend. Then, who was left with their anger and picking up the pieces you have broken?  Yep!  ME!!

It takes a Village, and the Village won!

Also, how do you convince yourself that financial support for your children is only my job or the job of my dad, my mom, good friends and family? How do you feel when you cannot provide for those glasses, the braces, their food, a roof over their heads?  How do you sleep at night when you know they need winter clothes, hats and boots, or need a trip to the dentist? Doesn’t that bother you? I know I cannot handle it for very long. I wonder if you know how much guilt I have felt over the years having to say no every time they NEEDED something.. I mean kids often want things, and sometimes even when they do not need an item it is a challenge to say no. Imagine when they NEED new shoes, money for a birthday party, school trips and events, camp, school fees, books, acne cream, and sanitary napkins.

The words “because your dad doesn’t give us a dime!” almost comes out of my mouth in anger, yet I resist.  Ok.. ONCE!!  I did, in a moment of panic at a grocery store because I didn’t even have a dollar left to buy my daughter a pack of gum.  She was having this huge 4 year old fit, and the frustration I felt was bigger than not being able to buy a pack of Juicy Fruit.

MAKE IT HAPPEN!

That is what I do.  I’m an acrobat who makes things happen. A magician of sorts.  I step on my pride, run to church sales, stand in line at food banks, walked into community centers, worked, even when I was unwell to the point that I had to stop!   I run campaigns, and ask for money.. I have even been criticized for that once.  Yet, the support from friends and strangers is amazing.. but you wouldn’t know.. do you?

Call me super mom with one weakness:

I play a huge role –HUGE!–in their lives, if you havn’t noticed.  However, do you know what goes through my mind, VERY OFTEN.  As dreadful as this sounds, I worry.  I think about “what if I passed away?  Who would take care of them like I do?  Listen, care, nurture, and love them?  Who would fight for them, cry for them, let them speak their mind without reprimand?  Who would do that?  Certainly not you.  You are not back on your feet yet!

So as I sit here looking at their pictures on my wall, while they are at school, I think about how I chose you to be their father, and if there is one thing I AM grateful for is that I have them because of you.

My daughter said yesterday, despite her own “dad” issues:  “Dad IS the best dad to me, because he is my dad and I love him”.

You are, one lucky guy!

P.S.   Take the challenge, pick up the phone, get that job, stick with it, and have a Teddy Bear picnic with them no matter how old your children are.  You will find ground, I promise.

“The guys who fear becoming fathers don’t understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man.  The end product of child raising is not the child but the parent.”

~Frank Pittman, Man Enough

The Reign of the Lioness and Mother’s Intuition


Trust your hunches.  They’re usually based on facts filed away just below the conscious level.  ~Joyce Brothers

Intuition is a spiritual faculty and does not explain, but simply points the way.  ~Florence Scovel Shinn

Sunday, many of us will be celebrating Mother’s Day.  This week, Muse In The Valley’s theme is on Motherhood.  All the wonderful, amazing,  loving, beautiful, frustrating and heartbreaking feelings which come with Mothering our offspring.   In my post:  Mother’s Fantacy:  Debunking Myths, I spoke about how my preconceived ideas about parenting really changed once my children came into the world.   The one thing I was not ready for was the constant “wearing my heart on my sleeve” feeling.  The part which amazes me the most so far is:  the Mother Lioness!

She is a complete separate entity.  She’s the one who would jump out in front of a bullet to protect her children.  Mother Lioness roars and fights for her kids, she surprised me to much the first time she came out, that I had to literally sit for a while to hold her back.  She is fierce, protective and instinctive.  She was born the day my children were born. She’s the one who fought for my son when he was diagnosed with ADHD and bullied at school.  She was the one who made sure my daughter was well taken care of in the hospital when she had a pneumonia.  She’s the one who roars when her children are threatened.

For absolutely no one else has Mother Lioness come out.. no one else but her children.

I witnessed Mother Lioness in more ways than one, and not only in myself.  I remember the day my best friend and I were at the park with our children.  She was happily swinging her 5 month old baby in the baby swing.  The day was bright and the kids were just finishing their picnic, when out of the blue, I saw my friend pull her baby from out of the air!  As soon as it happened she asked me to grab her infant so she could sit down.  She was obviously shaken after the event, however, she told me she was focused when she caught her child.

What happened is baby Anna had somehow pushed herself backwards and the swing tipped over, in one split second,  Caroline had her by the pants!  It was a momma miracle!   After she had calmed down, we both tried to recreate the event using a teddy bear, and neither of us were able to grab the stuffed animal out of the air after it tipped over out of the swing!   Mother Lioness is perceptive and instinctual.  It was almost like Caroline had known a second before the incident and was literally prepared in advance to grab her daughter in mid-air.

Call it instinct or intuition, whatever it is, it’s real!

Take for instant the time I was pregnant with my son, I was walking on the sidewalk with his father, when I tripped and fell.  The thing is, that although my ex recounts that I fell in 3 seconds flat!  In my mind, the fall lasted at least 30 seconds or more, thus, during the fall I had time to think, turn to my side to avoid falling on my stomach.  I fell on my side with my arm protecting my baby belly!  I was ok, and so was the baby.

How bout the times when I knew my children needed to get to the emergency despite other’s saying “No she’ll be ok.. it’s just a cough” or “He’s fine, his fever will go down, keep him home”.  Both times, my kids needed medical help immediately.  Mother’s intuition is strong and I will never EVER deny it.

What makes moms go above and beyond?  What makes a mother protect her child?  Is it love? Animal Instinct of Mother’s Intuition? I do not know, and to be truthful, I just spent an hour googling about it and the only article I found is how Mom’s protective instincts may be related to low levels of Corticotropin-releasing hormone (CRH), in the brain.  In Scientific American, Sarah Graham observes:

Differing CRH levels did not affect any other mothering instincts, such as nursing, however. A link between CRH and caring behavior in mothers could also help explain situations in which women don’t safeguard their children. If CRH needs to be low to see maternal protection of offspring, as our work suggests,Gammie remarks, then it explains why moms with high postpartum depression and high CRH not only may neglect, but also may abuse, their children. The findings appear in the August issue of Behavioral Neuroscience.

This may be a scientific explanation, however, I think many of us have experienced this instinct more than once, and probably often asked ourselves  “Did I do that?” right after you spent 14 hours awake taking care of your sick child !  I do not know why I cannot find more Science or Psychology on the subject on the web.. Maybe I am not looking in the right places, however, what I know for sure is that I would do absolutely ANYTHING for my children if they were in danger, or sick, or heartbroken, and that includes hunting down anyone who would deliberately hurt my child (lord knows what I would do once I find them).

What I understand about the Lioness in me, is that she comes out only for my children and no one else.  Not even myself!  Yet, now, I am learning to embrace Lioness and have her come to me when I need her too… I mean, with this self-love thing going on, I deserve a dose of Lioness love too!

Has the Lioness come out in you?  Please share your stories with me in the comment section!

Happy Mother’s Day 

Kim

Embracing the Mess by Cathy Moryc Recine


My floors are sparkling. No, not because they are so clean. 
2 words- glitter glue. ~Cathy Moryc Recine

Am I an expert? Nope. Do I have any experience? A little bit. Would I want to mention my diaper changing abilities on my résumé? Definitely not.

Yes, I’m talking about Motherhood and I still have so much more to learn. 

For those of you that do not have children, maybe you have seen some of those commercials for diapers, wipes, formula, toys etc.?  You know, the ones where the babies are smiling and children are laughing? The moms appear relaxed and refreshed? Its not exactly like that. No, not exactly.  Yes, there are some of those moments but there is more to it, much more.

Like most other moms, I always knew that I wanted to be a mother.

Exactly ten years ago this summer, I learned I was going to be a mom for the first time.  My husband and I had just moved into our house that we were waiting to have built. We were both working full-time and had long, crazy commutes each day.  Family and friends would visit us and comment on how “we had rooms to fill” or something like that.  Blah..blah..blah.

Maybe it was time. 

I had friends with newborns, nieces and nephews of various ages. I thought I was prepared. I was so wrong.

My sister had just given birth to her second child shortly before I found out that I was expecting. She welcomed a beautiful baby girl that she named Angela (also my sister’s name).  However, some of the happiness and excitement became overshadowed by the fact that her baby would stay in the hospital because of some serious birth defects.

I remember when my husband and I went to visit her in the hospital for the first time. We had not told anyone that we were expecting yet.

There I was holding my niece in the NICU.  Monitors were beeping, tubes and wires everywhere. I later watched as my sister took care of her baby along with the nurse and doctors.  She comforted her in a way that only a mother could.  It was at that moment I started to understand what being a mother was all about.

Several weeks had passed and my husband and I were hesitant to announce our pregnancy but finally we decided that we should.  The very next day the phone rang very early in the morning.  It was my mother. She was crying. I can still hear her words and remember the feeling of the tears running down my face. There aren’t any books, tv shows or magazine articles that could possible prepare you for something like that. Baby Angela had spent her entire life in the hospital. Just four short months.

The sadness, guilt and worry I felt were overwhelming, but it was nothing in comparison to what my sister and her family were experiencing.  I admire my sister so much for her strength and courage that she had in the time that followed, especially for her son who was only 8 years old at the time and trying to make sense of the loss of his baby sister.

Exactly one year later, I gave birth to my baby girl who carries her cousin’s name as her middle name.  None of my 4 children had the chance to meet their cousin but as they get older they will get know more about her.

Even with all of her sadness, my sister was truly happy for me becoming a mother.  Having the bond of motherhood brought us closer in so many ways despite our 11 year age difference. There has always been laughter even through the tears.  I can remember looking through some maternity clothes she saved for me that she wore during her first pregnancy 8 years earlier.  I called her on the phone right away as I was trying on the shirts with big buttons, bright colors and busy patterns and told her that Ringling Brothers Circus called and said they wanted their costumes back. It was my way of telling her thanks but I can’t wear these clown clothes. I must admit that these days I feel proud when my kids say something sarcastic because I know exactly where they get it from.

What has motherhood taught me so far?  

  • Most of all it has taught me so much about love and patience.
  • I’ve learned that no matter how much you plan, things rarely go the way you think they will.
  • I’ve learned to always keep a sense of humor so that my kids can learn to find laughter and something positive in the most difficult situations.
  • I’ve learned to live in the present moment because time goes by so quickly and you never get it back. Never.

What do I want most for my kids? 

  • I want my kids to not just know they are loved but to feel they are loved too.
  • I want them to always be happy. No matter what choices they make.
  • I want them to know its ok for them to be themselves and not what other people think they should be.
  • I want them to understand that it’s ok to make mistakes as long as you have learned something from it.
  • I want them to be accepting toward everyone and to always be aware and respectful of another person’s feelings. Even if they don’t agree.
  • I want them to be able to look back at their childhood and have great memories not because of the things they had or the places they went, but for the way they felt.
  • Most importantly, I want them to know that I will always be there for them. Always.

Has motherhood changed me?

Maybe it has in some ways. Somehow the things that were once so important have become almost meaningless and the things that I have over looked or took for granted are now a priority. It has made me appreciate all the ”little things“ in life and the miracles that happen each and every day.  I focus less on all the things that really don’t matter. I used to worry about my house being a mess. It’s still a mess but I just choose not to worry about it so much anymore.  I’ll have plenty of time to fix everything one day. But today is not that day and most likely tomorrow won’t be that day either.  I’ve learned to embrace the mess and all the chaos associated with now having kids ages 9, 6, 4 and 2 years-old. Instead, right now I’d rather listen to what my kids have to say, to me and to each other. I want to see their smiles and hear their laughter, and more often than not, referee their arguing and console their crying.

Most days are challenging, some days more than others, yet somehow it all feels very natural too. Of course there are times I just want a day off. Some days I just want to stay in bed. I don’t want to carpool, go grocery shopping, do laundry, help with homework, cook dinner and all that other stuff that we all do. Every. Single. Day. Then I am reminded how much I am needed and then I remember how it’s all worth it because one day I won’t be needed the same way that I am now.  I’m far from perfect. I doubt my kids will ever think they had the perfect childhood and I think I’m ok with that.  I guess I’m still really the same person I’ve always been. Only better I think. All because of them.

Happy Mother’s Day

Cathy Moryc Recine lives in Manorville  New York, with her husband and four children.  She works as a mom,   yet still finds time to enjoy the things that keep her unique.

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Mother’s Fantacy : Debunking Myths


 By Delaroche,Paul (born 17 July 1797 - died 4 November 1856) France“We should no longer allow a mother to be defined as ‘just a mom.’ It is on her back that great nations are built. We should no longer allow any woman’s voice to be drowned out or disregarded. As we affirm other women, and as we teach our sons, husbands and friends to hold them in the highest regard, we honor both the mothers whose shoulders we’ve stood on and the daughters who will one day stand tall on ours.” Oprah

I remember an argument with my Father during my “know it all University student days” studying to become a teacher.  I lashed out at him for spanking me ONCE!  I mean, I was in the middle of taking Child Developement courses and ALL the text books would portray the perfect family. How an authoritative parent is better than an authoritarian parent or permissive parent.  How yelling, screaming, and belittling will scar a child for life, spanking was a redundant and destructive way to discipline a child,  AND giving in and not being a consistent parent was a “no no”.

So much stuff to remember.  Is there a test?

My father stood his ground stating that I was out of control, and that spanking was the only way!  Was he right, probably not.  Do I agree with spanking, no.  Have I ever spanked my children, yes!… and yes dad, I forgive you.. I understand now.

We have all these ideals in our minds about how “motherhood” is this blissful place where puppies and unicorns live, and that our time with our children, the whole 18 years plus they live with us, will be grand.  Oh.. and I swore to myself  I will never EVER yell, scream or spank my kids.  EVER!

Well guess what?

When my daughter arrived into the world (my first-born) I can honestly say that is was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.  Just watching her in her little pink hat as she was laid next to me, admiring that she was mine.  All my childhood doll playing days came up, and this one was alive!  No, I am not comparing my daughter to a doll, well maybe a little, however, when 3rd week of 3 o’clock feedings came or when  every single time I went to sit down to eat, she would wail so loud, we renamed her:  Godzilla! (please google old Godzilla movies  and find a video of it screaming she did sound exactly like that).  The feelings of gooey love still came, however, these new “unknown” and unexpected feeling came too:  frustration and resentment!

Nope, I didn’t resent my child (yet) I resented the fact that my whole life of “freedom” was in shambles.  I was terrified and self-judgemental and I was afraid I was doing it all WRONG!

Sleep when she sleeps!

Right!! Worst advice ever!  When she sleeps, I am busy washing clothes, bottles, and doing household chores.  I am making dinner for the family and trying to find some time to watch tv and talk to my friends.

As the years passed, and my son came along, I quickly realized that all my motherhood fantasies went out the proverbial window.  Woosh!

I am not being cynical, I am being truthful.  I hated being pregnant, especially with my son, because I felt like a whale! I mean, he was almost 10 pounds when he was born.  Sleepless nights did not end when they were babies, and tell me:  “Why is my heart always on my sleeve?”

After taking at least 3 parenting classes, attending parent support groups and reading all the textbooks, I realized that I do not give myself enough credit as a mom. I was comparing.  I bet you don’t either, if you are a man, do you give yourself enough credit as a dad?

Did you know self-centeredness is “normal” for a teen! Wow good news!  

The other day I was in a support group talking about raising my teens.  (If you think raising a toddler is challenging, wait until you raise a teen).  Being a single parent, again, I try to set limits and show my children I am there even though I am going through a depression.  The frustrating part is discovering that “Godzilla” is back, and my son is following right in her footsteps!   The tantrums are different, and boy are they self-centered! So I am patient, kind, and ask them what they “need”.  I ignore, nurture and am way over protective.  I feed them, buy their favorite cereal, and throw in their laundry once and awhile.  When I said to the social worker that day, how proud I was of my children since the separation.  She asked “How proud are you of yourself?  Kim, you do not give yourself enough credit!  I think you are an amazing mom!!

“Me?? An amazing mom? What makes a mom amazing?”

But I yell, and scream, and take my own tantrums.  I ignore and tell them when they are invading my space.  I cry, swear and fart in front of them.  I do not give them enough chores, and we don’t even do any activities like “normal” families. Plus I feed them way too much KD and peanut butter jelly sandwiches!  They eat sugary cereal, and frozen pizza!   How can I be an amazing mom?

“Because you listen”

“Oh”

See, we can sit here all day and compare ourselves to the “super-moms” of the world.  I never was very good at balancing work and mothering.  I was never good at being patient and calm.  I do fly off the handle.  But I love, encourage, nurture, praise and say “I’m proud of you” and “High five” when its time!  I make their favorite foods, tuck them in (even at 13 and 15).  I am honest and let them know my depression is not their fault.  I don’t hide myself from them, and let them know exactly where I stand.  I give them choices and let them choose.. I tell them that they are the master of their destiny.. that they decide where they are going in life. AND I know how to apologize when I’ve been wrong.  And I listen.  I would say, that listening to my children and what they have to say has been my lifeline.  It works!  I had to put my urge to “butt in” aside and let them know “I really do hear you and I understand”.

So.. technically, my job, is to grow them up to leave .. teach them how to be a good decent human being.  Give them the tools to work it out themselves, and let go… see them, hear them, and praise them!

Yes, motherhood, has it’s most wonderful and fulfilling moments, yet,  As Monica Wilcox, from Femme Tales Truth with Humor,  states in her article:  Motherhood:  My Energy for Your Opportunity

“This is motherhood; the sacrificing of one’s needs (but hopefully never one’s self) for another.  It’s agreeing to let another consume more of you than any other relationship would dare. It’s giving without the expectation that you will receive. It’s unconditional love.  And wouldn’t you know; it’s bloody hard!”

So, yes, my father did spank me once, my mother loved her wooden spoon, and I followed a bit in their footsteps.  Yet, being a mother is a lifetime job, a job I wasn’t trained or certified for.  My own mother taught me great nurturing and love, she also made me feel so comforted and she too “tucked me in” even as a teen.

These are the things my kids will remember, and these magical moments are the ones I hang onto.. but don’t be fooled by the myth of motherhood, just stand by and take in all the hugs and kisses you can get.  It’s the good memories that will last in the end.

From me to you

Happy Mother’s Day!  

Kim

Kinky, roadhouse kicks and tiny red socks?


In this article Wear Your Oxygen Mask First, the blogger describes why it is important to give yourself oxygen first if ever there is an emergency on an airplane.  This dream I interpreted in September reminded me of my struggles of putting myself first order to be a healthier mom for my children.    The mom in this dream is an amazing mom! She really cares for her family’s well-being, however, sometimes like many of us moms, especially new moms, we (out of pure love for are children) are too tired at night for anything.. Including sex!!!

The names in this dream are changed  Maria is the dreamer, hubby is the boyfriend and Tod (for Toddler child).

The Dream

The dream opened with me in the backseat of a long car (like a Cutlass), the seat belts in back were brown with black seat belts. I bent down to grab my bra from the back seat floor (I was clothed) when I noticed a black bra affixed by the clasps to the seat belt beside me. I pulled it off and I noticed it was a size C and the words “Kieran” were on the label. The bra was from American Apparel. Hubby was in the front passenger seat sleeping. I thought nothing of the bra and went to put mine on. As the minutes passed, it started bugging me so i searched around in the seats (behind and under them) for more clues. I found a key chain (a digital photo viewer one) with a hotel key attached. I looked at the pics to find they were of him and a girl (who looked like a hooker) on a bed in a hotel room. I scanned through the pics and saw MANY pictures of many ppl in various stages of sex and even some (omg lol acrobatic type sex positions) I woke him up and showed him the pics at which he laughed and smiled and was embarrassed and speechless. I yelled. “Oh snap!” and I ran out of the car into a locker room nearby. He followed me and every time he opened his mouth i punched or roundhouse kicked him in the face. He was surprised by my flexibility and athletic ability. (So was I) LOL! Anyways, I beat him 😦 repeatedly and then I hog tied with Tod’s red socks (?????) and stuffed him in a locker. I told that if he wanted kinky, I could tie him up and then set his clothes on fire. (EEP! Crazy lady alert!) I proceeded to go home to burn all of his clothes. I found out via the news that several  members of a specific group were involved in this weird sex convention thing and were taking work time to do it. Everyone besides Hubby had been found and charged (Hubby was still in the locker) I was heartbroken and sad because I had physically lost control. Then I woke up.

Background Info (this often help me shed even more light on a dream)


I was *extremely* hung over yesterday. I am feeling more human today. Two: A band t-shirt I had bought at the concert was from American Apparel (which is probably the link there). As for the other stuff. Hubby is quite honestly the most sincere and genuine person I have ever met. When I was first with him, I worried intensely he would cheat on me bcuz he was just “too perfect”. I have since dropped that bcuz I know he wouldn’t have it in him to do such a thing. I have accepted that I *deserve* him. At any rate, by the end of our day, I am often too exhausted to “do the deed” 🙂 I know this frustrates him sometimes and he wishes that part of our life was like how it was before we had Tod. When it happens, it’s never disappointing (ever), it’s just that we have no time to make it a priority like we used to. Sigh.

I knew he was the one for me. However, the permanence and legalities of marriage has never appealed to me bcuz I had a failed engagement once before. Needless to say, I have always said to him that I never cared if we got married or not (he was always the one who seemed more gung ho from it at the beginning of our relationship) Until we had Tod. About 6 months ago, I started becoming more open to the idea. I haven’t really shared that with him, until my drunken confessions, which had him blindsided. Yadda, yadda…he said he never gave it much thought, which upset me…drunken crying…you can fill in the rest. Next morning I am slightly mortified lol and he’s feeling guilty bcuz he never realized how much it bothered me. I told him to never ask me because I would say no and that’s where we left it. He knows I’m kidding but I really didn’t want to have to deal with the fallout of my drunken alter ego’s antics when i was already dealing with the hangover from Hell. haha. He told me that in his Province, it is very common to not be formally married and just be common-law. 

The Interpretation

It seems to me that since you (Ego) are in the backseat something (like maybe intimacy and fun) are taking the “backseat” in your life. The parked car tells me that maybe you need to “stop” and enjoy life (and do the things that you love including time with hubby). The seatbelts symbolize the need for security, so do the bras… Being a mother is important to you and you work hard at being such a great mom, however, this dream is telling me there may be a bit of resentment going on (which is normal cause all moms I know feel this now and then when time for fun and intimacy start to take “the back seat”)

Hubby (your Id) is taking a passive role.. Sleeping quietly.. While you are starting to feel the urge to uncover a mystery behind. Since your “drunken convo” in life explains, I feel some insecurity there. You want a marriage? You want a commitment? Or Do you really feel that you have this commitment with Hubby? (those are the questions I would ask myself) What steps can you take (being flexible) to have this time?

In the dream you are suspicious, insecure and looking for clues of an affair. You finally find the clues.. The KEY to your darkest desires (the love fest). You face that part of yourself “Hubby” and you feel embarrassed (like you felt embarrassed after you woke up that morning). Really Maria your (id) is the one with the hidden desires for intimacy now. However, I think you are stuffing these emotions somewhere (beating up on yourself and stuffing yourself in a locker is not a good thing).

Tod’s red socks = Anger, resentment.. That maybe (NOT Tod HIMSELF) however, that having this child has (like you explained) kinda cut off some of the “good intimacy” you had with the real Hubby, and yourself (time to have “me” “woman” time). When in fact, when you do build some time to really be with “Hubby” in life, and “yourself” in life you surprise yourself on how flexible you are!

What Maria has to say 1 month later:

Hey I thought of something. It sort of just popped into my head. The lockers in my dream…they represent the gym. See, my sex life is so much better (and my drive is) when I exercise regularly. That was also put on the back burner! Hence sex life also suffered as a result. Of that. No longer an issue btw 😉 !

Me:  Maria!  Going to the Gym is taking care of yourself, and giving you the “libido” you much-needed in your relationship.  I am very proud that this is no longer an issue for you!  You go girl!! xxoo  Keep on giving yourself that oxygen first! 

Blessings,

Who is the parent here?


The one thing I have learned about being a parent is it seems to bring up every single one of my childhood issues. – Me

parent types

The toughest part about being a parent is not letting your own past affect your parenting. You can say, if I had to describe myself, that I am a permissive parent. Yes, I finally admit it! If Dr. Phil says: ‘’you cannot change what you do not acknowledge’’, then I have to acknowledge I let my children get away with murder. If there is disrespect in my home, it is because I teach my children, though my actions and NON-actions, that I can be disrespected.

I have two children: a pre-teen boy and a teenage girl. Both children, for the longest time, have not had any chores (except for their rooms), inconsistent parenting, and the most tolerant mom around. Don’t get me wrong, I am no wuss (well maybe sometimes), however; I am a parent in constant learning. The journey into self-respect for myself is translating into respect between all parties.  I want them to grow up in a loving, caring home but it is my job to send them out in the world as loving, caring, responsible, hard working adults.

What I think many of parents do in 2011 is try to make sure their children are happy by all means. I don’t know if this has something to do with us 30/40 something’s feeling like we were not heard as children; however, I know some of us let our children get away with too much. Well, I do anyway. Therefore, I had to devise a plan.

First, the one thing I have put into place in my home is consistent discipline. I’m still a rookie, however, I am starting to say what I mean, and mean what I say. I may go overboard at times,  or once and awhile give in; however, when I give a consequence I make sure I can follow through with it. No more screaming: “Your grounded for 3 weeks with no computer!!”. “Three weeks with no COMPUTER? and GROUNDED?” I say to myself pulling my hair  “What was I thinking? She’ll drive me nuts on day 2!”  Presently, I make sure I can follow through on those consequences I give my child.  If they are not sufficient, I can make the necessary adjustments the next time.

Second, I started to give my children chores. The rules are clear. They must have their rooms clean at least once a week and they must help with the dishes. Why so little you say? Well, it’s the same thing as the consequences, I’d rather give them less and follow through that too much and give up. So, as the weeks go on they will be doing the dishes on their own. Every one taking baby steps and the transition is much easier all ‘round.

Thirdly, and this one is a toughie, I’m practicing speaking less. My son is 12 and already thinks my voice is annoying!! Why? Because I’m all talk and no action. So hopefully steps one and two will help me through this phase, which is a challenge.

Since my son is ADHD I’ve had the privilege of taking a few parenting courses. Yet, no parenting course in the world will help if I don’t put the tools into practice. So, like me, give yourself some room to breathe, when you are ready, AND just you: Not when your neighbour or mom whispers “Don’t you think you should teach your children blah”.  You’ll  see, whenyour  frustration level so uncomfortable that your  eyes are  about to pop out of your  head, you’ll know its time for you  to change the things you can, and change what you can finally acknowledge.

and I say:  I’m a mom, and I’m a permissive parent on the road to good parenting!