February a time for love… self-love

Without Valentine’s Day, February would be… well, January.  ~Jim Gaffigan

This Valentine’s Day will be different.  At first, I didn’t want to acknowledge it at all!  I wanted to sweep it under the carpet and pretend it is just another day.  However, I Kim M.A. Larocque loves anything that has to do with love, romance, and special occasions.  So this Valentine’s Day will be a courtship with myself.

If we all did the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.  ~Thomas Alva Edison

I was handed two sheets of red paper from my therapist on Friday.  Those two sheets of red paper turned into paper hearts that I lovingly “sticky tacked” to my wall.  Looking at them reminded me of those Valentine’s we used to get in school. I remember patiently waiting for my turn to receive one and there were times, I didn’t… This made me very sad.  So, to please my inner-child I decided to go further with my project and make myself a huge card!

So, I took out bristol board, and paint, and used the cutouts as stencils.  I stated to create one heart out of white and red paint.. which turned out looking like this:

Then as I continued my quest to make myself a gift, my son jumped in and we painted until our hearts were content creating a masterpiece of love and delight:

Part of my journey into healing has been to rediscover my love for art, photography, words and play.  I totally get lost in wonder when doing these things and I hope one day to make art part of a regular routine when inspired to do so.  No more hiding this from myself.

The above is a dedication to self-love, and totally falling in love with me this Valentine’s day.  I will whisper sweet nothings in my ear, make myself a nice dinner, maybe even bake myself some chocolate cake.  I will sing myself a love song, write myself a love letter and maybe even share some of this new-found love with my children and all of you.. Actually I know I will share all this love I have inside.. because it is there.. waiting to be shared.. but first I need to stash away just a little for me…

I was thinking this morning, of the passing of Whitney Houston.  This brought me to listen to her song The Greatest Love of All!  If only she could have felt these words.. if only she could have breathed them in like air.  So today I am going to love myself even more… and will remember that I am loved..

Because she was loved.. yet it took her to leave this earth for her to truly see and feel the love that was surrounding her this whole time!  







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The Power of a Crystal Ball

Ever wonder what the experience would be if we could see exactly what was going to happen in our lives before it happened? Although this idea sounds tempting, I think it would be to our detriment.  To have a glimpse of our lives a few years ahead is possible when we take the time to visualise and work towards those goals.  However, to see what is going to happen ahead of time would be like knowing the ending of a book before you actually crack the binder.

I remember when I was a teenager, my best friend Laurie gave me the book Black Beauty for my birthday.  I remember the orange cover and the gorgeous picture of a black horse on the front.  As I was perusing the picture, my friend turns to me and says:  “The horse dies at the end!”.  I looked at her in shock and probably told her profanity.  I never read the book… it went in a box to charity.

The future is called “perhaps,” which is the only possible thing to call the future.  And the only important thing is not to allow that to scare you.  ~Tennessee WilliamsOrpheus Descending, 1957

When I look back at the past 10 years.  I see how, if I even had a glimpse of my future at the time, I could have jumped off a bridge.  I arrived here in my town homeless.  We were in a housing crisis, and there were no apartments available for a single mother of 2 young children (3 and 5).  At the time I was on Welfare because I made the conscious choice of raising my children at home.  I had decided that, since I was a single parent, that being there for them was important.  Luckily my friend took me in for 2 months until we found our own place.  Blessed I was then, blessed I am now.

Today, treading through these treacherous waters of depression, I also see the grace in all of this.  We are back to a single parent unit.  I am more often home than at work (taking care of myself), and I have choices to make.  The guilt I am working through is enormous.  Self-care has been such a challenge to me.  Voices in my head “You should do ANY job to provide for your children”  “What are you doing writing instead of answering the phone when work is calling?”  If only I could have seen in a crystal ball that I would be feeling this way… if only…

… yet, the crystal ball would have shown me a woman crying in her bed devoid of self-worth.  A woman who thought she did not deserve great things, great friends and a job that she loves.  A woman who wants to live her passion, and do what it takes to find that passion.  A woman who has so much to give to this world..  Yet doesn’t know how to do it!

The crystal balls has been accessible all along.. its been the visions I hold so dear, that appear out of nowhere and come to me right before I fall asleep.

… this vision of despair is not the same vision I had when I was 4.   When I was 4 I saw in my mind people of all ages, race and religions holding hands to make a chain around the world.  That vision is truth:  We are all one and we are all connected.  That, my friend, is the only vision I need to hold on to.

My mother, out of love and care, told me that day:  “Kimmie you cannot change the world” .. I cried myself to sleep that night at her disbelief.  Yet I know today, even without seeing what’s going to happen in the next 10 years of my life:

      With no disrespect to my mom… “Yes I can MOM… yes I can..  And I will!… In fact.. I think I have already started!!!”

Kinky, roadhouse kicks and tiny red socks?

In this article Wear Your Oxygen Mask First, the blogger describes why it is important to give yourself oxygen first if ever there is an emergency on an airplane.  This dream I interpreted in September reminded me of my struggles of putting myself first order to be a healthier mom for my children.    The mom in this dream is an amazing mom! She really cares for her family’s well-being, however, sometimes like many of us moms, especially new moms, we (out of pure love for are children) are too tired at night for anything.. Including sex!!!

The names in this dream are changed  Maria is the dreamer, hubby is the boyfriend and Tod (for Toddler child).

The Dream

The dream opened with me in the backseat of a long car (like a Cutlass), the seat belts in back were brown with black seat belts. I bent down to grab my bra from the back seat floor (I was clothed) when I noticed a black bra affixed by the clasps to the seat belt beside me. I pulled it off and I noticed it was a size C and the words “Kieran” were on the label. The bra was from American Apparel. Hubby was in the front passenger seat sleeping. I thought nothing of the bra and went to put mine on. As the minutes passed, it started bugging me so i searched around in the seats (behind and under them) for more clues. I found a key chain (a digital photo viewer one) with a hotel key attached. I looked at the pics to find they were of him and a girl (who looked like a hooker) on a bed in a hotel room. I scanned through the pics and saw MANY pictures of many ppl in various stages of sex and even some (omg lol acrobatic type sex positions) I woke him up and showed him the pics at which he laughed and smiled and was embarrassed and speechless. I yelled. “Oh snap!” and I ran out of the car into a locker room nearby. He followed me and every time he opened his mouth i punched or roundhouse kicked him in the face. He was surprised by my flexibility and athletic ability. (So was I) LOL! Anyways, I beat him 😦 repeatedly and then I hog tied with Tod’s red socks (?????) and stuffed him in a locker. I told that if he wanted kinky, I could tie him up and then set his clothes on fire. (EEP! Crazy lady alert!) I proceeded to go home to burn all of his clothes. I found out via the news that several  members of a specific group were involved in this weird sex convention thing and were taking work time to do it. Everyone besides Hubby had been found and charged (Hubby was still in the locker) I was heartbroken and sad because I had physically lost control. Then I woke up.

Background Info (this often help me shed even more light on a dream)

I was *extremely* hung over yesterday. I am feeling more human today. Two: A band t-shirt I had bought at the concert was from American Apparel (which is probably the link there). As for the other stuff. Hubby is quite honestly the most sincere and genuine person I have ever met. When I was first with him, I worried intensely he would cheat on me bcuz he was just “too perfect”. I have since dropped that bcuz I know he wouldn’t have it in him to do such a thing. I have accepted that I *deserve* him. At any rate, by the end of our day, I am often too exhausted to “do the deed” 🙂 I know this frustrates him sometimes and he wishes that part of our life was like how it was before we had Tod. When it happens, it’s never disappointing (ever), it’s just that we have no time to make it a priority like we used to. Sigh.

I knew he was the one for me. However, the permanence and legalities of marriage has never appealed to me bcuz I had a failed engagement once before. Needless to say, I have always said to him that I never cared if we got married or not (he was always the one who seemed more gung ho from it at the beginning of our relationship) Until we had Tod. About 6 months ago, I started becoming more open to the idea. I haven’t really shared that with him, until my drunken confessions, which had him blindsided. Yadda, yadda…he said he never gave it much thought, which upset me…drunken crying…you can fill in the rest. Next morning I am slightly mortified lol and he’s feeling guilty bcuz he never realized how much it bothered me. I told him to never ask me because I would say no and that’s where we left it. He knows I’m kidding but I really didn’t want to have to deal with the fallout of my drunken alter ego’s antics when i was already dealing with the hangover from Hell. haha. He told me that in his Province, it is very common to not be formally married and just be common-law. 

The Interpretation

It seems to me that since you (Ego) are in the backseat something (like maybe intimacy and fun) are taking the “backseat” in your life. The parked car tells me that maybe you need to “stop” and enjoy life (and do the things that you love including time with hubby). The seatbelts symbolize the need for security, so do the bras… Being a mother is important to you and you work hard at being such a great mom, however, this dream is telling me there may be a bit of resentment going on (which is normal cause all moms I know feel this now and then when time for fun and intimacy start to take “the back seat”)

Hubby (your Id) is taking a passive role.. Sleeping quietly.. While you are starting to feel the urge to uncover a mystery behind. Since your “drunken convo” in life explains, I feel some insecurity there. You want a marriage? You want a commitment? Or Do you really feel that you have this commitment with Hubby? (those are the questions I would ask myself) What steps can you take (being flexible) to have this time?

In the dream you are suspicious, insecure and looking for clues of an affair. You finally find the clues.. The KEY to your darkest desires (the love fest). You face that part of yourself “Hubby” and you feel embarrassed (like you felt embarrassed after you woke up that morning). Really Maria your (id) is the one with the hidden desires for intimacy now. However, I think you are stuffing these emotions somewhere (beating up on yourself and stuffing yourself in a locker is not a good thing).

Tod’s red socks = Anger, resentment.. That maybe (NOT Tod HIMSELF) however, that having this child has (like you explained) kinda cut off some of the “good intimacy” you had with the real Hubby, and yourself (time to have “me” “woman” time). When in fact, when you do build some time to really be with “Hubby” in life, and “yourself” in life you surprise yourself on how flexible you are!

What Maria has to say 1 month later:

Hey I thought of something. It sort of just popped into my head. The lockers in my dream…they represent the gym. See, my sex life is so much better (and my drive is) when I exercise regularly. That was also put on the back burner! Hence sex life also suffered as a result. Of that. No longer an issue btw 😉 !

Me:  Maria!  Going to the Gym is taking care of yourself, and giving you the “libido” you much-needed in your relationship.  I am very proud that this is no longer an issue for you!  You go girl!! xxoo  Keep on giving yourself that oxygen first! 


Lily Pad

The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.
Maya Angelou

My Lily Pad

Sitting in a pond

I see your pacman smile

I had never foreseen

You would wait a little while

Just wait a wee longer

My Lily Pad so strong

I coming to see you soon

It really wont be long

My legs are sore and tired
But my spirit is soaring light
Can you hear the whispers
Of the quarrels and the fights?

My mind needs songs of silence

And my heart needs tender care

Oh Lily pad of mine

Don’t worry, I’ll be right there…

Kim Larocque

Without Him

My son cried last night in such a rage.  He is angry.

He is angry at me, he is angry at his step-father, he is angry at the world… but really the person he is really mad at is his father.  I knew this day would come where I had to finally let him hear the truth he has been constantly denying for awhile.  His real dad, doesn’t care.

How tough is that, especially for a boy, to realize your own father has abandoned you for all eternity.  This is how he feels.  All my son’s life, I’ve been trying to compensate for his dad who, cannot take responsability for the 4 children he put on this earth (two of which are mine).

How unfair for him!  Never to be held by a man, by a mentor, by an uncle or especially his dad!!  How unfair he never got to see a game, catch a ball or just hang out.  How unfair he now has to be bullied and taunted because.. ..”well he’s different having been raised by women”… Its not fair!!! no its not… really!

This is a critical time in my son’s life.  He’s pre-teen.  What do I do??? Where do I turn??? Who is going to help him get through this.. I know I am giving him all I have.  Yes he has a step-dad, however, it hasn’t been easy for my son to get close.  He is still hoping his father will come and save him:  his hero:

Death of a Hero

Last night, his hero died, and my son cried

his magical mind corrupted by time..

left all alone as his heart turns to stone.

All I can do is hold his hand.. and let him stand

Hug him tight with all my might

but I cannot replace

the male verson of this race…


I need to write this today, as a cry for my son..