Spring Of Life


Until you’ve found pain, you won’t reach the cure
Until you’ve given up life, you won’t unite with the supreme soul
Until you’ve found fire inside yourself, like the Friend,
You won’t reach the spring of life.
Rumi ♥

 

When I first wrote about my depression, in Let The Truth Be Known I Suffer from Depression (1st in a series of 4),  I opened the doors to my soul.  Laying out my experience for everyone and out into the Universe, brought me closer to you my friends and my readers, consequently, it also brought me closer to myself.  I discovered I am not alone suffering in the darkness, and happily so, I had hands to hold along the way.  I even made new connections and built new relationships with those who are or were in the dark too.

This was in January.  Today, after almost 5 months in therapy, and 3 months on medication,  I am actually starting to feel my two feet on the ground again, and the feeling is amazing!  I have made many changes and created a life of quiet. YES! I am a hermit (for now) however, think of it this way, I went from a lifetime of self-hate to entering a new life of self-love.  I want to bask in it, smell it, live it and breathe it! 

I spoke last week about, “taking out the garbage” and wanting to create more loving and meaningful relationships.  This task starts with creating a loving relationship with myself.  So, keeping this in mind, I had to separate myself physically from the world (in a sense) in order to commune with me and with God.  I know I am not separate in spirit.  My spirit is connected with all of you and with the source, so technically, at that time I was connected, just not in ways others think I should.  

Forget what everyone else thinks and live your marvelous life!!!

Creating a loving bond with the person I am allows me to feel true love, the love I have been longing for almost ALL my life, because truthfully I am love.  Love isn’t something to long for, love is something inside each and every one of us.

Hate separates!

The self-hate probably started around 12 or 13, when I thought everyone else abandoned me.  

As the years went by, what I did was abandon myself.  I gained and lost weight, I entered into abusive relationships, I even tried drugs (that didn’t work THANK GOD!!) I gave up everything I loved and adored doing.. my dreams went down the drain.  I was literally living according to the expectations of everyone else and I constantly felt OBLIGATED!  I started looking on the outside for things no one could really give to me.  I fell in love with the potential of love, and this left me empty and scared.

When enough is enough!

When I was at the deepest point of my depression, I felt like I was in a deep dark well.  It was cold, its was terrifying, and I felt like I was drowning in gunk. I prayed for someone to come find me and take me away from what I had, in reality, created all by myself.   Then, the water started freezing my skin, and rose up to my neck,  that is when I looked up and saw a tiny little light up above me.  It was not a person shining a flash light, no rescue worker coming my way, it was your light and it was my light.   The light of everyone who cheered me on during that dark time, I finally grasped onto it and up out of the well I went.  Your light and love, became my light and love.  The meds became the bridge which helped my feet stand on the ground.  

I believe!

They say when you heal on the inside, it starts showing up on the outside.  This, I discovered this week to be so true!  My home is less cluttered, my plants are doing GREAT!, and I can finally look at myself in the mirror again and smile.  I went out last week to get purple streaks in my hair, along with a much needed hair cut, and now I cannot stop looking at myself in the mirror.. I feel pretty again.  I bought myself some new clothes, and just yesterday, I refilled my makeup bag!

Playing spring chicken!

The thing is, I didn’t do all this to attract a new mate in my life.. (which in fact is what the old me would have done) I did all this for me.  This is the difference and I feel it.

I feel in the flow, the Universe is providing me with everything I need, and when this happens, I KNOW I am on the right path.  If I was having tons of difficulties right now, I would be asking myself:  How am I creating this?  So.. when doubts arise like yesterday (yep I started doubting my path) I remind myself of the old “self-sabotaging” me who likes to tease like a jester.  

And.. like last week’s garbage, I told it to EFF off too!  

My feet are on the ground.  I’m dancing.. and singing.. and laughing, and enjoying this little heaven right here and right now!

Sunday Muse


“Our Greatest Fear” delivered by Nelson Mandela 1994

Our Greatest Fear….
is not that we are inadequate,
our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?”
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some of us,
it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

This little light of mine…


Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle,
and the life of the candle will not be shortened.
Happiness never decreases by being shared.
– The Buddha

 

I feel like I’ve lost some of my light. I must admit I’ve felt this way for a few years, yet just recently, I seem in a big hurry to “lighten-up” (no pun intended). It’s almost cyclical for me. I go on a 9-year stretch, and then bam! I’m back to working on the thing I’ve worked on years before, albeit with more wisdom and ease. I’ve been reading books and blogs again, writing again, reaching out again… and I even took an online course called ROOTED with Megan Monique who was kind enough to show me the way. This course was the beginning of renewing my essence. I learned to breathe, communicate and let out my creativity. The latter is probably the one I have neglected the most… My creativity needs to shine daily!

So what steps am I going to take to find this light of mine? Well, I started this year by making a bucket list of things I want to do in 2011. The disappearance of light started when I stopped doing all the things I really love to do. Then again, I could say it started when I was fulfilling everyone else’s needs but mine. You can say I’m somewhat of a martyr. This is the list I made:

  1. Going out to a movie,
  2. Going to at least 1 concert;
  3. More girls nights;
  4. Time alone (just by myself);
  5. Nurturing the relationship with the BF.

I didn’t include my kids here because I spend most of my “doing time” and “quality time” with them and for them.

Nurture myself is the next thing. Taking care of my body, being mindful when I dress, putting some makeup on to feel pretty are all things I kind of stopped doing. I don’t own pretty clothes, because I do not take the time to go buy pretty clothes. I don’t have pretty hair, because I don’t take the time to get a haircut. I have skin tags I hate, but I don’t take the time to get them removed by a dermatologist. Those are HUGE examples of me not LOVING myself. I must feel worthy of all of this in order to move forward.

Therefore, this is where I’m at. I’m at the point of renewal. I’ve seen this in my horoscope, on friends FB pages, on twitter.. The message is loud and clear! It is that time for me again. Time to shed my snakeskin.

Please feel free to share with me your insights. How to you keep from going stale? What are you renewal rituals? Your input will help me find my way.

Love and light

So let the sunshine in!


let it in

Its been quite a tough time lately for many of us.  Since Haiti last year, I’ve been pondering the question about our future and how we all connect somehow.  For some reason, I’m starting to see a pattern of destruction which somehow is bringing us closer together.

Is it me, or does Japan seem closer to us right now? Right before the earthquake and tsunami, Japan was a land far far way.  Today, I sense its presence, almost like the people in Japan were my neighbos.  Haiti, Chili, Lybia, Egypt all those places so distant are now right here in my backyard.

Is it me or do you feel it?

Social media, like Facebook and Twitter, has enabled me to send my positve energy to those far away places and so many have assembled to do the same. I have made some new friends and the conscious connection is getting wider and wider.

We are more ”one” than we think.  We are distancing ourselves from separation due to religion and we are now seeing our humanness.. our souls.  We are closing in as meditation and prayer bring our consciousness to connect.  I feel what they feel to a lesser degree, but I still feel it.

Our love will shine through, and I really do think this is not the end but the beginning of something completely different.. Something only our souls will recognise.. not our eyes. 

Let the sunshine in dear friends, even if it hurts the eyes.

Love and light

Pen