Time to Take OUT the Garbage!


Open your mind, allow your feelings to be expressed, to be pushed out, and your heart will neither break nor burst, but be a free-flowing channel of the life energy in your soul.

°~Neale Donald Walsch

I must admit, once upon a time, I was a borderline hoarder. In my 20’s I would keep piles and piles of dishes on the counter of my sink. Hundreds of old newspapers waiting to be recycled, would line up in my hallway. My room was rarely clean, and I always had a storage room full to the brim.

Then, in my 30’s, when my children came along, I decided it was important to rid myself of clutter. This would happen every time I move, and I moved often, and more and more things would finally disappear from my life. I was never ever good a housecleaning though. Cleaning was always a challenge, and I always found something better to do.

When spring sprang out of nowhere, and the sun sparkled on all my belongings, I noticed the dust and grime left over from a deep dark winter and felt quite overwhelmed. My soul cried out for order.   Out came the Pledge, the Windex and rolls of paper towels. I would finally clean a 6 month’s worth of dirt and grime.

God this is taking FOREVER!

As I went through this process every year, I started asking myself, why do I  let things go so far? Why do I create so much work for myself? Instead of cleaning on a regular basis, I left, for example,  the leftovers in the fridge go until new breeds of mushrooms were born! I had no choice but to clean these awful things out, and as I opened each container  (or just throw a perfectly good Tupperware out entirely) of “whateverthisgreenstuffis” I would gag and cough as I chucked the obnoxiousness out.

WHY DO I PUT MYSELF THROUGH THIS?

Cleaning time for me, is when I had company coming over. This was rare, however, I did have get-togethers with family or sometimes friends. This is when I frantically run all over the house making it look and smell like it was clean all along. I was so tired by the time everyone got to my place, that I had to put on the mask of hostess on and pretend I was happy.

AHA! Pretend I was happy! What a statement!

Fast forward to 2012. I am in my new place, I am committed to making this a “no clutter zone” and I am doing terrific at it. I clean regularly, no I am not perfect, but I will not feel uncomfortable now if you just popped in (although I would probably say: don’t mind the dishes, as they are STILL sitting on the counter.)

I’ve always known that what lurks inside of ourselves, often manifests on the outside. Meaning, our immediate environment. That our “home” is a reflection of our soul. Since our soul is our home, it makes total sense no? So, as this process continues with me, I noticed this week, that although in therapy I am now healing a lifetime of soul clutter, there was still one more thing I needed to deal with. The garbage!!! The ugly, stinking, piling up garbage.

Peeling away the layers comes with going deep, and sometimes going deep stinks! As I go to where no Kim has gone before, I noticed one thing in my apartment that was truly bugging me. The garbage pails are all full! I would go to the bathroom and stuff that kleenex in the waste basket until garbage was overflowing. I would curse at the kitchen garbage, because when it did come time to “take it out” it was so full I couldn’t tie it. Then there’s the balcony. I had kept garbage on the balcony all winter, and it finally dawned on me: Why the heck do I do this to myself? STILL!!

Speaking with my good friend Sylvia, we came up with: You keep the garbage to keep people out! You keep the garbage to keep your truth from exploding! You keep the garbage because what is coming up inside you is old garbage which needs healing. So, in one swoop of the wrist, I took all the garbage, filled 2 bags, and brought it to my front door in such a fury, like the power of a lioness. I marched downstairs to the dumpster, and threw the bags in so hard and yelled “F YOU!!

Eff you effing garbage get out of my LIFE!”

The picture below relates to the poem Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout Would not take the garbage out.  by Shel Silverstein Go take a read and come back! 

Now I hope the neighbors were not watching, because they would probably think I just fell of my rocker. In a sense, I did lose it, however, it was for a really good cause: – me!  The rage had to come up, in order for me to release it. I needed to tell off the the stinking mess. I am so sick and tired of CREATING trash!

The next trip to my therapist came the next day, and guess what? Yep, stuff, feelings, experiences, that I didn’t even know where bothering me came up so strong I cried for 5 minutes in my chair. I discovered, that I was carrying trash in myself that needed disposing.

I discovered, that I was in love with everyone else’s potential and not mine. I discovered that I can trust myself again, but in the past I didn’t and I discovered that the garbage in my apartment and the garbage in my soul was a way to keep people OUT! I built walls I didn’t even know where there.

So now, I can slowly start dismantling them, one at a time, so that I can eventually create friendships, and relationships that matter.

Now Mr Glad .. I’m kicking the garbage to the curb! I’m getting mad so I can get glad!

Time to let love in!

Love your trash and set it free!

You can read the follow up to this post:

HERE:  Spring Of Life

Kim 

Chrysalis Escape


“I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.” ~ Unknown

The above “unknown author” quote was the inspiration for today’s post. I’ve been quiet lately. Especially at home.  My psychotherapist had prescribed “cocooning” as a method of self care and I dove into it full force.   My writing muse has been lost in my journals for the past few days.  I was offline for awhile and I rediscovered my love for my diaries.  I went out and bought myself colored pens, I searched through magazines for pictures, I took out my glue and started decorating!    I have 4 journals now.  A gratitude journal, a journal for my blog, a journal for rambling and another for pictures, quotes and tarot readings.

While offline, I began throwing out things that had been cluttering my new place (already!! I know).  After my last post , I found the need to get rid of some things.  This usually leads to me getting rid of things in the depth of my soul.  I feel old hurts coming up, old wounds which  need to be healed and I am finding my VOICE!

That voice that tells me:  “I love you its ok to be where you are at”!  Last week the “ugly voice” emerged.  It kept on telling me I was “unworthy, lazy and fake!” can you believe this?!!  I found when this old voice speaks, it speaks from my mind.  When the loving voice speaks, it comes from my core.  Right at the center of my stomach.  This, my friends, is an amazing discovery.  My thoughts (some of them) have no power if they do not come from the source, I know this now.  The source is at the center of myself, the center is connected to all things which make us ONE.

Change is an announcement of Life’s intention to go on. Change is the fundamental impulse of life itself.”– Neale Donald Walsch

Since my depression diagnosis, I’ve discovered so many things about myself I didn’t know.  I am literally falling in love with me!  Yet, the old voices are fighting for their life, while I fight for mine, and they are not winning. I learned, with Jennifer Shelton, reading her post Confident or egotistical? Consider the Source to let the voices come, and they will dissolve. I did an Ego Busting session with Sylvia van Bruggen.  Sylvia’s wisdom and genuine love gave ME a voice to tell the ugliness to “F-Off!”  I love this part, although sometimes I speak out loud and my kids will turn away and say “What did you say mom?”  my usual reply “I’m just talking to myself” but really I am not, I am speaking to a voice that is ingrained in me since childhood, this voice and these thoughts are NOT me!   Fighting with them is fruitless, but speaking and acknowledging their presence helps them dissolve.

This is quite a challenging, yet exciting path I am on.  I went from one extreme to the other, and I feel I am about to emerge even more in the next month or so with a better, loving and trusting sense of self.  I have this itch to go out there and discover the world, and I know I must do it in baby steps.  With anxiety and depression with me, I must not jump off the cliff, yet integrate myself at a slow pace trusting the Universe is conspiring on my behalf to help me fulfill my purpose.

This is where I am at.  Taking the ride down the river of purpose.  Slowly finding what makes me tick, what makes me shine and glow like a Tinkerbell!  On this ride so far, I’ve rediscovered writing, photography, and I know I love to help others.  But first, I must help myself.. care for myself, and first and foremost listen to the inner loving voice of my power chakra.

What makes you tick? What is your passion?  Have you rediscovered something you once loved?  Please share with me!

Kim