Go with the flow

Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions.  All life is an experiment.  The more experiments you make the better.  What if they are a little course, and you may get your coat soiled or torn?  What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice.  Up again, you shall never be so afraid of a tumble.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Last week I posted: Depression hits. Now What? = Love Yourself! I discuss the importance of self-love and the ability to treat and love yourself like you would a child or your best friend. This week I want share some of the strategies which help me with coping with certain fears, thus, often removing the feeling of overwhelm when I begin a new task.  Overwhelm, really makes everything bigger in perspective, so I need to break down tasks into smaller steps.

Dealing with depression and anxiety has been a challenge and a huge awakening at the same time. (see:  Let The Truth Be Known:  I Suffer from Depression) I realize, after some great reflection that depression, anxiety and panic have been part of my life since my early 20’s, maybe even earlier (according to my therapist) However, with this latest onset, I have discovered self-loving ways to overcome some of the challenges I face. These self-loving ways are things I didn’t do in past recoveries.. I mean yes, I started, however, I never took them as serious as I do now. There is the little voice inside of me (which I call my higher self) which guides me through. This “voice” is beginning to replace the “negative voice” which ruled my life for 20 years. These following strategies helped me “unlearn” the old and experience new and loving ways to be gentle with myself.

The two (2) things I needed to work on (huge mountains) were: 1. Self-care (Taking care of my body and showering) and 2. Going out / socializing. These 2 things, if I didn’t pay attention to them, could send me into a deep downward spiral. Think about it.. Looking yucky would lead to more self-hate, and not seeking support or running errands would lead me to feel alone and my kids wouldn’t have food to eat. So, during my treatment, these two areas of my life need to have some sort of plan. A flexible plan.. but a plan.

Remember, if you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!  ~Allison Gappa Bottke

Plans help me shape my world. I for one, was never really good a making plans and sticking to them. Even with the post today, I had a plan to find some terrific article to back up my post, however, I cannot find a single thing which I find “inspiring”. Being too rigid does not work either. “Go with the flow within guidelines” is my new motto! If I were to stick strictly to adding “facts” from an outside source, it just wouldn’t work. This gives me some control over certain situations and help me feel safe. Just like one would devise an “escape plan” in case of fire, I devise an escape plan in certain situations. Take going out for example:

Lets say I must take a bus to go to an appointment. Taking the bus is quite scary, because this means I am going to be far away from “home base”. Home base, is my safe zone. So I usually devise a plan before I leave giving me a 100% right to change my mind at any time. Meaning, I give myself permission to return to home base.

The first thing I do is to make sure I have my cell phone on me. Then, I stash a $20.00 in my purse. This allows me to take a taxi home if ever panic really strikes. Then as I walk out of the house… I talk to myself. I give myself support throughout the journey. Last week, I had to do this and I told myself I had permission to get off at every stop. This permission allowed me to go all the way!! Get it! When I know I have a choice.. it eases my anxiety.

Choices, we all have. Giving ourselves the right to choose differently allows for freedom. So in the end, I always end up where I wanted to go, or do what I planned to do, because I had a choice! I didn’t feel like I was choking on “I must” or “I have to”.. I felt alleviated with “I can, but I can change my mind at any time”…

As for taking a shower, I now get in the bath! I prepare everything around me. I may even break out a few candles and some bubble bath. I wash my hair with clean water from the tap and rince. Giving myself this “motherly” love is exactly what I need!

You can Google “Anxiety busters” or Depression Strategies to find tons of strategies which will work for you.

Yet, the message here is. Give yourself choices. In most instances, you’ll stick to the plan. However, if one day you don’t, that is ok too.. since it is part of trusting yourself, you can take yourself back home. Just like a mom who promises her child she will pick him/her up right after the first day of school, keep those promises to yourself too! I know I did, and it makes things easier.

Its going out and taking a shower still difficult for me; OH YES! However, now that I have “escape plans” and “mothering techniques” these tasks are much more manageable..and will get even more manageable as my recovery continues.

Keep on moving and smile!



Getting naked!

God offers to every mind its choice between truth and repose.

Take which you please – you can never have both.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

It’s not easy to speak the truth.  When you are having a very bad day and someone, an acquaintance, asks:  “Hey, how are you doing?” Your first instinct would be to reply “Fine thanks. You?”  At that moment your mind starts to think for itself.  “You are not fine, darn it, you feel like crap!”  Why do we ever speak the truth when someone asks “Are you ok?”  Instead of replying fine, why don’t we say “Hey, NO, I’m not ok, I feel like shit and I want to crawl under a rock”?  Wouldn’t that be more authentic?

Obviously in society, we are conditioned to save those crappy moments in our lives for our loved ones.  We obviously do not want to look like “the drama queen of the office” or come off as “negative”, but sometimes I think if we really acknowledged how we felt.. Wouldn’t speaking the truth be cleansing?

Since this summer,  my theme is truth.  I’ve been walking around with my truth stone (Yes! I have a truth stone like the one in the picture above)  to remind me to tell myself the truth and not hide so much under a mask.  No no.. I do not go around town telling the milkman of my recent separation etc.. but I did catch myself telling the school’s crossing guard!!

The conversation looked like this:

Crossing guard:  “Hi, how are you?  Did you move?  I notice you come from the opposite direction now.”

Me:  “Yes, I moved down towards 20th avenue.  I’m separated. Back to being a single mom again!”

Notice how I threw in “I’m separated” and “single mom” in that answer! I’m sure you did!! I could have left it at 20th avenue.  Yet I have this tendency to want to gain sympathy I guess?  If I am speaking the truth here… isn’t that what I am doing by throwing in “I’m separated” into the conversation.  Maybe, maybe not. It really doesn’t matter.  What matters is that I am aware of this and that I know that its ok to need sympathy now, however, maybe not from the milkman himself! In my defence, I’ve known this crossing guard for at least 9 years. She helped my children cross the street every day when we lived on 14th, so openly declaring my recent separation, to me, means that I trust her and she is familiar.  Thus, I admit, I probably did need an acknowledgement, a tap on the shoulder, or a “its ok, you are strong!” kind of response.

Speaking the truth, removing the mask, taking off all my clothes (not literally phewf!)  leaves me feeling vulnerable, very vulnerable.  However, if I keep the mask on, I will be doing exact thing I cannot stand (Scorpio me):    Saying: “I’m fine” when obviously (I can tell right away ) you are feeling quite sad or angry!   It is hard for me to ignore when someone is feeling low.  Yet I have learned over the years, to let the person be once I have asked once “Are you ok”.  I am not a pro at it yet.  I sometimes drive my daughter crazy with this.  She tells me “Its ok mom” and I return and say: “Are you sure?”.   By then I have received the “teenage glare” that no mom can ignore.

I tore myself away from the safe comfort of certainties through my love for truth– and truth rewarded me. ~Simone de Beauvoir

Truthfully speaking, am I ok?  No, not always.  I’m I going to be ok?  Yes, eventually.  There are times when I am perfectly ok.  I am ok with my apartment, I am ok with my children, I am ok with my hair (on some days) I am ok with my goals… and yes, sometimes I still find joy in the little things and I still can laugh!  However, there are just some things I need to accept.  That will come in time.

If there is one thing I have learned from this process I am working on, which is:  breaking a lifetime of old habits, is that it is painful, it is a challenge, it is like digging a deep hole to go find some archeological relic which will eventually open my eyes to my past.  I can choose to dust off this piece and carefully look at it, appraise it and see its worth, or I can leave it where it came from and move on to the next piece.  I may also discover a whole new historical world there, which may be the discovery of the century!!

What I know for sure is:  delving into my history to find the “truth” and break the cycle of abuse will be the most loving, compassionate, caring, amazing thing I can do for myself right now. 


Tequila, the ring, and a chair by a pond – Part III Megan’s Response

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Megan was kind enough to send me an email giving me detailed feedback of my interpretation.  She also blogged about how the interp cleared up some things which you can find here.   You can find the dream posted here and my interpretation poste here.

Megan’s Response

“In the beginning of the dream you resist going to Paris, making up excuses not to go with this group… Paris to you is a cold, touristy place, and a place like anywhere else, so going there in your dream was not important to YOU yet important to others! Right? So I am wondering here, what is it in your life right now, that you are saying NO to because you are standing up for yourself?

Right now I am saying no to getting a real job. I am acting as though everyone around me is secretly thinking – her car just got repossessed and she said she couldn’t do anything about it and yet she refuses to go out and get a job. I am at a huge conflict with this internally right now. Because my Inner Compass is telling me to keep doing what I’m doing so strongly – I refuse to go out and merge with the rest of the herd. It is very scary trusting that voice sometimes.

“… as you leave this group with the dude…you leave your only way of communicating with those you left behind. Leaving you vulnerable and scared.. Out of the loop.. Not knowing.. Disconnected.. Paranoid, like something really bad is going to happen: I feel deep rooted fear in your life right now.”

I feel as though by making this choice to listen to that voice, others might disapprove and abandon me. Others who I felt truly backed me up. My husband in particular. At which point, I can’t help but ask myself, what am I sacrificing to pursue this dream and is it worth it? My answer is still, yes.

“Also, I see in this dream that you are carrying BAGGAGE, lots of it, enough that is takes you long to gather it up and continue on your path every time. So, my question to you is: What baggage are you carrying in this life? That is slowing you down? What still needs to be let go? …”

I think the baggage I am carrying is this mentality. Walking on eggshells for others, afraid I’m wrong or that I’ll disappoint. Or that all of this magic I believe is a hoax and I’ll be laughed at and discredited for believing so strongly.

I see there are two things here you let go willingly!! YES! .. Your dream helped you with this.

1. You let go of Tequila.. I think Tequila represents regret, and self-sabotage! Have you made intentions of letting this go lately? Or maybe you are doing this unconsciously. If not.. Its time to let go of any regret, fears which will lead to self sabotage. Also, the fights with B.. What are the issues about? What are you NOT saying to B in real life that you cannot say without the Tequila? I think letting go of the Tequila in your dream will help with communication with him from now on!

Self-sabotage definitely stands out for me here. Yes. I have. Specifically in my money conversations and relationships. The Mister and I recently ‘fought’ about money. Where for one moment he doubted what it is that I am doing in the world and literally in a matter of seconds came back to reality. It was the strangest thing. It was as if someone else was speaking through him. Shook me up a little bit and kind of created all this worry about whether what I am doing is what I am suppose to be doing or now.

2. The ring: Rings usually mean commitment and loyalty. Do you feel that you need to let go of some of the commitments that you made? Would letting them go make you feel “unloyal”? Because if so, give yourself permission to do so if its not calling you anymore. The fact that you let these go after you went down a narrow steep path leads me to believe that the journey of letting go is scary, and may be mixed with some narrow mindedness (resistance)… (which we all have).. Maybe open up to the idea of letting something go that no longer serves you.. The fact that you went down to do this leads me to believe this is deep rooted!

Commitment and loyalty make me think that I really was concerned that The Mister had lost his loyalty to our lifestyle. And also, if I were to change the way I live and the things I do, I would consider myself disloyal to The Universe that I have so strongly believed in before. Scary. Yes. This is all very accurate.

“The good news is both the pond and the chair mean: That you need some quiet time to yourself.. .a time to reflect on this situation going on in your life, to contemplate to relax. I think whatever is is that is tormenting you, scaring you right NOW, can be resolved with some good old fashioned reflection and meditation.”

>deep sigh< That feels good. The Mister is out of town until tomorrow. So I think I will take today to go within and listen. Heal. Let go.

FATHER (parental figure) is angry because you unleashed a secret. Warning ! Warning ! You get scared of this part of you.. You are hiding from this part of you that holds a secret of some sort. Does everyone in your real family know exactly what you do for a living? Do you hide your real talents from them? Do you feel like if everyone or some knew the Real MEGAN MONIQUE LEWIS HARNER.. They would judge you? I will ask this question but don’t feel insulted.. Is Brian supportive of all that you do? Or does he think (or someone in your life think) You should go out and get a “real job” ???

Not really, no. I know most everyone has seen my website. But no one in my family is Woo Woo like me – so I don’t think they get it in it’s entirety. My Dad has asked me about it several times and I always explain it fully, but I think it scares him more than he wants to understand it. I know that he would love for me to get a real job. But he doesn’t ever pressure me about it. B. is supportive with the exception of the brief moment I mentioned earlier.

“Because you feel hurried, misplaced, unwanted, disliked, scared, threatened etc.. Seems to me someone is your real life or YOU are putting pressure on yourself..and judging yourself.. STOP THAT!!! Because in the end you are singing happily in your choir.. But again.. You meet dissaproval…”

I think that I am the one putting all the pressure and disapproval on myself through the eyes of others without them actually saying anything about it. Kind of silly, huh?

“North Node (except from northnodeastology.com)

Your Aries North Node Soul wants to find its courage. It wants to be excited, to explore, and even to be stressed out– if that’s what it will take to bring forth the independent and courageous side of you! Courage is the high road for Aries, and it’s what we do each time we step up the plate and “show up” whether we feel like it or not. Courage is what we need to have to survive and to be a pioneer. You are the natural survivor, pioneer, entrepreneur and sacred warrior of the zodiac.”

Courage, I really like that. It calls to me.

Thank you for pointing this out and for the entire interpretation! I am so grateful. This has definitely cleared somethings up for me.


To know more about Megan Monique you can visit her website.   You can also follow her on Twitter @meganmonique and Facebook If I Were A Rainbow   Stop by and wish her a Happy Birthday!! I know she will love it! Her birthday is on Sunday the 18th of September!

You Are Here

“Let us be silent that we may hear the whisper of God.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

The theme, which has been coming up this week, is signs. You know, the signs from above which at times make us feel heard. These past few weeks have been full of signs. I tend to take signs seriously, as I do believe Angels are among us. They like to be subtle at times, leaving whispers in our ears (as Oprah clearly stated in her last discourse to us) or when they feel we are not listening, the signs get louder and louder!

Signs can come in dreams, songs, numbers.. They can also come through people (friends or strangers), books, television shows, and even the web! The one thing you must do is PAY ATTENTION!

For example, since I have been working full time this past month, I have been really tired and exhausted. My body, at this moment in my life, only has a limited amount of energy. Therefore, after being with 18 5/6 year olds all day, I come home literally wasted. I feel so tired I cannot even think straight. This can be a sign of health issues, which I need to attend however, it can also be a sign I need to take some time every single day to play, walk, and sit in a quiet space. Time to re-fuel and listen to what my body is telling me. For months, I have not been listening.

The latter has led me to be worried about whether I should keep on working full time. The money has been very welcome in our home, however, which is more important: health or money? As I was walking in the Grocery store the other day, the song Qué Sera Sera was playing. The lyrics are: “Qué sera sera, whatever will be will be, the future’s not ours to see, qué sera sera!…” My mother used to sing this song to me every time I was questioning life in my Scorpio ways. Therefore, I need to let the Universe do its job and continue on my path of listening to my body and soul! Moving forward in the process.

I also spot 11:11 all the time! This sign is a reminder I am on the right path, and I should continue connecting with the source that is available to me. You can Google 11:11 to find tons of information on the subject. It is so interesting to see how patterns affect our lives daily. Numbers, as I was discussing today with some friends, can have tremendous significance. If you are interested in Numerology, you can check out Carol Adrienne’s website or if combinations of numbers have been coming into your life, you can check out Spiritlibrary

What I know for sure is there are signs everywhere. You must find the ones that are meaningful to you! You can also start at looking at your own dreams. They are the window of your soul. If you need help, I am very good at analysing dreams. You can leave me a comment below or in private at infullbloom_138@hotmail.com. You can also look up Carl Jung and dream interpretations. (I suggest NOT going into a predefined dream book as symbols have different meanings to all of us)

Love and light to you! Open your eyes.. And you will see… that the people around you are Angels is disguise. Pay heed to them.