Taking ” The Artist’s Way ” Out – The Date


Think of yourself as an incandescent power, illuminated and perhaps forever talked to by God and his messengers.

~Brenda Ueland

Last week in my post Taking The Artist’s Way Out. I promised I would discuss my journey through the book The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron.  I must admit the first week was a bit low-key, however, I managed my morning pages, writing out my thoughts and worries, first thing in the morning 5 out of 7 times.  I am proud of this, as sometimes writing that early in the morning feels like pulling at a hangnail, however, what I enjoyed about was I didn’t have to edit or think about what I was writing all I had and have to do write what is on my mind as I wake up.

This week, I want to talk about my artist date. What is an Artist Date you ask? Julia Cameron describes it as:

“a block of time, perhaps two hours weekly, especially set aside and committed to nurturing your creative consciousness, your inner artist.  In its most primary form, the artist date is an excursion, a play date that you preplan and defend against all interlopers.  You do not take anyone on this artist date but you and your inner artist, a.k.a. your creative child…” p. 18

Planning for me is quite difficult.  I am still practicing making commitments and sticking with them especially when it comes to myself.  Also, in my defence, I would like to state that on this journey of self-recovery I give myself permission to change my mind. The key here for me is balance, so I am adapting my dates.. allowing myself to change it on a dime,  if it feels right for me.

This week I had planned to go by the Rivière des Milles Iles with a sketchbook and spend time contemplating the ducks, the free flow of the water, and the enjoying the sweet sound of the waves.  I never made it on that date since the weather was way too hot.  I had to come up with another plan and quick!! Sunday (the end of the Artist week for me) was coming fast!

As I woke up Sunday morning, I grabbed my usual cup of coffee and sat on the balcony to watch the birds find their morning worm (yes I do that).  As I was observing a black bird digging into the ground, a voice came into my head.  “Go to church!” I quickly dismissed the thought and continued watching the show below.  Then it kept coming “Go to the church, GO TO THE CHURCH”.  I was like:  “Shut up! I don’t go to church!” The the voice continued “but you’ve gone to the french church years ago, go to the english church!”

Going to church? Ya right!!

I quickly washed my face, grabbed a decent blue tee, threw on a matching skirt, and ran to out the door. I had 20 minutes to get to the 10 o’oclock mass.  Now mind you, my Sunday mornings have always been, get up, have coffee, watch birds, sit down, go on the computer and play, write or read.  Never, in a million years do I get up and go anywhere, mind you a church, so this was new for me!

As I walked in the church, I was greeted by the priest and the welcoming committee. They all said “Good morning” as I found myself a spot at the far back-end near the pillar and the candles, oh ya and the door (ahem).  A couple up front, a nice looking man with a guitar and his wife I presume,  were singing this song about “welcome, belonging and worthyness” and immediately I started to cry.  I hadn’t even taken a seat, and I realized I forgot to kneel and make the sign of the cross before I actually sat down.  I was desperately seeking Kleenex (which of course I didn’t have), trying to hide the warm flow of tears steaming down my face.

I made it through the service, however, I did experience a huge anxiety attack and almost left.  As I was trying to “keep it together” I kept on focusing on the statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary, who looked like she wanted to give me a hug with her open arms..  I prayed for calm to get through the service. As part of me was enjoying the art, the energy, and the music around me. It was, after all,  MY artist date.

When it was time for “communion” I decided (even though I did have my first communion) to get a blessing, which again, brought tears to my eyes.  I walked back, lit two candles, one for me and one for my brother.  Then I left.

I am so grateful I listened to my inner voice because although I am spiritual and do not practice in the Catholic faith anymore.  I received the message I needed to hear.  You are worthy and you are welcome.  My art is worthy and it is welcome.  My purple hair is worthy and it is welcome.  My children are worthy and they are welcome.  You get the picture?

We are all worthy!

Worthy enough to take myself out for coffee and a muffin afterwards.  I sat for a while with this experience before going home… and I know I will do it again.  Maybe not this church, but there are 3 or 4 other churches to explore.  Not really for their particular “faith” but for what messages of love and acceptance that come with almost any faith.

God is love, and God is creation.

This is what Julia Cameron speaks about in this book.  God could be anything or anyone to you, I call him God because I am comfortable with it.  She explains that through God we find our creativity.  She states to repeat:

“The Great Creator has gifted us with creativity.  Our gift back is our use of it.”  p. 44 week 2

So, this week I will remind myself of these “Rules of The Road”

  • Show up at the page. Use the page to rest, to dream to try;
  • Remember that it is harder and more painful to be a blocked artist than it is to do the work;
  • Choose companions who encourage me to do the work, not just talk about doing the work on why I am not doing the work;
  • Remember that it is my job to do the work, not judge the work;
  • Remind myself “Great Creator, I will take care of the quantity.  You take care of the quality.

Also this coming week,  I do plan to go to the river, and draw.  Lets hope the weather permits.  Also, if you wish to follow Leslee’s journey (my Artist Way partner) you can find her latest blog post here.

BE AWARE!  Go to THE BUTTERFLY LAUNCH PARTY for details on the UNVEILING of my New Website on June 29th 2012!   My peeps are giving gifts to those you enter!  Details on how to enter click HERE!

 

 

Love and Light

Yann Martel – Author


“I must say a word about fear. It is life’s only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease. It begins in your mind, always … so you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don’t, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.”  ~ Yann MartelLife of Pi

Today’s Author of the Week is a bit different. Since I did not have an interview which I conducted, I decided to go with the author of the latest book I read and fell in love with:  Yann Martel, author of Life of Pi.

Life of Pi tells the story of a 16-year-old boy’s survival, after being cast on a lifeboat when the cargo ship his family was on sank into the Pacific.  Written like no other book I have read before, Yann Martel’s style and story telling allowed me to truly expand my love for reading, because reading his book was like taking a walk in a totally different part of the world.  I am now enlightened and inspired.

About Yann Martel

Yann Martel is a Canadian author best known for the Man Booker Prize– winning novel Life of Pi.

Martel was born on June 25th 1963 in Salamanca, Spain, the son of Nicole Perron and Emile Martel. His parents were French-Canadian. His father was posted as a diplomat for the Canadian government at the time of his birth. He was raised in Costa Rica, France, Mexico, and Canada. As an adolescent he attended high school at Trinity College School, a boarding school in Port HopeOntario.

As an adult, Martel has spent time in Iran, Turkey and India. After studying philosophy at Trent University, in Peterborough, Ontario, and doing various odd jobs -tree planting, dishwashing, working as a security guard,  Martel spent 13 months in India visiting masjids, churches, temples and zoos, and spent two years reading religious texts and castaway stories. His first published fictional work, Seven Stories, appeared in 1993.

In addition to Life of Pi, Martel is the prize-winning author ofThe Facts Behind the Helsinki Roccamatios, a collection of short stories, and of Self, a novel, both published internationally. Yann has been living from his writing since the age of 27. He divides his time between yoga, writing and volunteering in a palliative care unit. Yann Martel lives in Montreal with his wife and children.

 

A few questions from here and there

When asked on an online chat interview how long it took to write the Life of Pi, Yann answers: 

“I did research for six months in India, practical research, then I read on zoos, animal psychology, religions and castaway stories for about a year and a half back in Canada.Then I wrote the thing out. Took me about 1 1/2 years to get to a draft. So 4 years in all. But I loved every minute.”

A question I often ask to the Authors I interview:  Do you have a particular writing routine?

“I have no particular routine. When I’m actually writing, as opposed to researching, I sort of write all day, in a quite inefficient way, mind you, but all day. Which doesn’t mean that I write much. A good day will mean half a page. But I’m in no rush, so I don’t mind my slow pace.” 

When asked:  “When did you decide to become a writer, how did you take that first step?”

“I’d say writing chose me rather than the other way around. It was really the last thing on my list, the only thing that worked for me, that gave me a sense of meaning. I started writing in 2nd year university, when I hadn’t a clue where I was going in life. I wrote a dreadful play, truly something  God awful, but I loved creating, I loved creating a stage and peopling it and giving things to say and do.”

In an interview with BookBrowse, Yann was asked this question, which I think rocks (the Q & the A)

Why the three religions in your book?

“The three religions because I wanted to discuss faith, not organized religion, so wanted to relativize organized religion by having Pi practice three. I would have like PI to be a Jew, too, to practice Judaism, but there are two religions that are explicitly incompatible: Christianity and Judaism. Where one begins, the other ends, according to Christians, and where one endures, the other strays, according to Jews.”

Yann continues to say that he IS a religious person.. in his words:

“.. in a very broad way, and riven with doubts, which is what keeps faith alive, I believe.  I go to mass every Sunday, but love going to mosques too. Muslims pray in a beautiful way.”

People connect with the book in such a personal way because…

 “..(1)  it’s a great yarn, and (2), it goes deep, talks about spirituality in a real, serious, concrete way, untainted by cynicism.

Last but not least, Yann gives his tips to aspiring authors:

“Get it down on the page. Work hard. And then let go. Ask yourself why you want to write. You have to be clear about that.”

If you have not yet read Life of Pi, I highly recommend it.  The book made me think, it made me shudder, it made me cheer Pi Patel on!  I wanted him to survive, to come back, to tell his story, and in the end… he surely did!

Sources:

FictionAddiction.net

WikipediA

GoodReads

BookBrowse

If you are an author, and you wish to be interviewed, please send me your press info, bio and website at kim.larocque@sympatico.ca

My son is actively looking for sponsors to get him to camp this summer.  Summer camp is something William looks forward to every year and it is so good for his self-esteem.  This year I am on sick leave (due to my depression diagnosis), and being a single parent family, you can imagine I cannot put up the whole amount.  Anything you can give would be greatly appreciated.  I’ll even throw in a Dream Interpretation whenever you have a dream!!    Here is a link :

Camp Sponsorships

Today – A Short Poem


j

j“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”  Dr. Seuss

Today, when  tears begin to fall, release is near..


Release is near when you feel your heart ache and it is difficult to breathe…

Breathe in the  freshness and let the  staleness expire…

Staleness expires, and opens up your soul for love, and reception..

Reception of all that is coming to you…

All that is coming to you is the greatness we all deserve…

We all deserve to be recognized, valued and cherished…

Cherish what you have right in front of you…

In front of you lies the secret of your happiness…

Your happiness is not dependant on others…

Others do not define you, choose wisely those in which you accompany..

Accompany yourself on this journey and enjoy the adventure…

Because it is in the adventure which passion lies..

Lies are not to be told on this road, but the road of truth awakens…

Awaken to you heart and what it is telling you…

Tell yourself to release those tears which bind you today..

Today is that day!

Counting my blessings one at a time ❤

Slip Sliding Away


“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.”
Eckhart Tolle

Sometimes, in the course of healing, something happens to bring you off course. The picture of a person walking down the street on a gorgeous winter day comes to mind.  They walk content, breathing in the fresh air, the beauty of the snow on the trees is breathtaking, children are busy building snowmen, and if you look towards the horizon, the sun is gently setting giving the snow a yellow hue… then suddenly, while lost in thought, they lose their footing and frantically start slipping on the ice which was hiding underneath the freshly fallen snow.. I see this person frantically trying to keep their balance in order not to fall on the hard surface below, and with one swoop of an arm, and good reflexes, they stand upright, shaken but not stirred.

This is how I feel right now.. shaken:  Time to “ground” myself focus on the NOW.

My first instinct is to find my ground, to take out my toolbox, and to remind myself that “this too shall pass”.  However, when I see the veil right in front of me, trying to fix itself over the chestnut brown of my eyes, I am afraid.  I try to fight these feelings, yet as I fight, they get stronger, yet, I fear if I let the veil envelop me, I will fall, slip and find darkness again.

Then the blaming starts!

“Oh Kim, you must have done something wrong on your path for you to feel depressed again” Shouts my mind!

“See, you procrastinated, and now look what happens, you fail”  My Fox News ego speaks (an unreliable source I may add) .

“Who will love you when you are not broken”   My tape plays….

I thought I threw them out!

“Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.”
Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose

It is wise to say, when going through depression, or any life challenge,  there will be times when the scenery will not always be pleasant, and one may lose their footing. The tendency to want to “beat” ourselves up is strong.. well at least in my case.  I found myself this week, ruminating, obsessing, worrying, and just focusing on the things I haven’t accomplished, or procrastinated on instead of looking at the things I have done.  I mean, I have not let everything go when I am in these moods.  I still cook, clean, support and love my children, pay bills, write, decorate, encourage my friends, talk to my mom, walk, laugh, sing, and relax with a good book.

Switching my focus, helped me switch on the light, when I started to feel the veil of darkness come over me.

BUT!! Who will catch me when I fall?

This is the most challenging part.  I have always been in co-dependant relationships and friendships.  My self-esteem was so low at one point that I never thought that alone, I could do things for myself.  There were also many co-dependants with me on my ride, so I had to cut off many from my life, some out of love, some out of necessity.  So when you are at the stage when it is time to create new friendships, but the trust is not there yet.  What to do?

This is my worst fear, I had a little scare a couple of weeks ago (an old health problem) and thought I may have to go to the emergency.  I called my daughter home from school just in case, so she could be here when my son got home.  I never ended up needing to go, things healed, however, this brought up a new fear. Who would be here if something happened?  Who would watch the children?  Who would feed them and send them to school?  Their father is not in the picture much, my mom lives in Ottawa?  My best friend already has 4 kids?

What if ? What if ?  What if?

Negative what if’s can be deadly… UNLESS, you change them.  Yes, it is good to plan for things that may arise, however, if I changed my what if’s to .. What if things work out?  What if my children take great care on their own?  What if I get a surprise visit from my mom? What if I stay healthy? What if… You get the picture.   This would be admitting that I trusted the Universe to take care of things as they arise, and that I have the right to continue my journey without worry, as long as I continue to take care of myself, and my children.

Wouldn’t it be nice… to completely surrender?

There are things I need, friendships, hugs, kisses, comfort, companionship, sharing, and activities that make me feel good.  I need to pray, to drink lots of water, to pray, and to surrender.. did I say pray?   Yet, it would be nice to just be able to ride this life without worries about money, health, relationships, and love.  Yet, I know there will be a day when I do not “slip” into these bad habits anymore, or if I do, they will be in passing.  I am a spirit in a human body after all!  The mind is strong, and loves to keep me on my toes, however, what I know for sure, is that I want to buy myself some cleats to protect me from falling, yet we cannot predict a fall, and cleats are uncomfortable.  That would feel like wearing helmet on my head every day just in case?  Not wise, plus it would hide my purple streaks!  I can’t do that!

Uncertainty:   I must accept you!

There are actions I can take to help me feel more secure, this would mean, getting regular check ups, finding a “go to” person in case of emergency, continuing my therapy, and making sure I do not put things off for too long, such as, doing my taxes (which I have been).  Most importantly, when I start to slip, I may call out to you so I can hang on for a little while.. not to depend on you, but to feel your support until the ice melts, and the veil lifts.  I promise I will do the same in return.

Is that ok?

What do you do when you feel like you are slipping?  Who are your “go to” people?

Spring Of Life


Until you’ve found pain, you won’t reach the cure
Until you’ve given up life, you won’t unite with the supreme soul
Until you’ve found fire inside yourself, like the Friend,
You won’t reach the spring of life.
Rumi ♥

 

When I first wrote about my depression, in Let The Truth Be Known I Suffer from Depression (1st in a series of 4),  I opened the doors to my soul.  Laying out my experience for everyone and out into the Universe, brought me closer to you my friends and my readers, consequently, it also brought me closer to myself.  I discovered I am not alone suffering in the darkness, and happily so, I had hands to hold along the way.  I even made new connections and built new relationships with those who are or were in the dark too.

This was in January.  Today, after almost 5 months in therapy, and 3 months on medication,  I am actually starting to feel my two feet on the ground again, and the feeling is amazing!  I have made many changes and created a life of quiet. YES! I am a hermit (for now) however, think of it this way, I went from a lifetime of self-hate to entering a new life of self-love.  I want to bask in it, smell it, live it and breathe it! 

I spoke last week about, “taking out the garbage” and wanting to create more loving and meaningful relationships.  This task starts with creating a loving relationship with myself.  So, keeping this in mind, I had to separate myself physically from the world (in a sense) in order to commune with me and with God.  I know I am not separate in spirit.  My spirit is connected with all of you and with the source, so technically, at that time I was connected, just not in ways others think I should.  

Forget what everyone else thinks and live your marvelous life!!!

Creating a loving bond with the person I am allows me to feel true love, the love I have been longing for almost ALL my life, because truthfully I am love.  Love isn’t something to long for, love is something inside each and every one of us.

Hate separates!

The self-hate probably started around 12 or 13, when I thought everyone else abandoned me.  

As the years went by, what I did was abandon myself.  I gained and lost weight, I entered into abusive relationships, I even tried drugs (that didn’t work THANK GOD!!) I gave up everything I loved and adored doing.. my dreams went down the drain.  I was literally living according to the expectations of everyone else and I constantly felt OBLIGATED!  I started looking on the outside for things no one could really give to me.  I fell in love with the potential of love, and this left me empty and scared.

When enough is enough!

When I was at the deepest point of my depression, I felt like I was in a deep dark well.  It was cold, its was terrifying, and I felt like I was drowning in gunk. I prayed for someone to come find me and take me away from what I had, in reality, created all by myself.   Then, the water started freezing my skin, and rose up to my neck,  that is when I looked up and saw a tiny little light up above me.  It was not a person shining a flash light, no rescue worker coming my way, it was your light and it was my light.   The light of everyone who cheered me on during that dark time, I finally grasped onto it and up out of the well I went.  Your light and love, became my light and love.  The meds became the bridge which helped my feet stand on the ground.  

I believe!

They say when you heal on the inside, it starts showing up on the outside.  This, I discovered this week to be so true!  My home is less cluttered, my plants are doing GREAT!, and I can finally look at myself in the mirror again and smile.  I went out last week to get purple streaks in my hair, along with a much needed hair cut, and now I cannot stop looking at myself in the mirror.. I feel pretty again.  I bought myself some new clothes, and just yesterday, I refilled my makeup bag!

Playing spring chicken!

The thing is, I didn’t do all this to attract a new mate in my life.. (which in fact is what the old me would have done) I did all this for me.  This is the difference and I feel it.

I feel in the flow, the Universe is providing me with everything I need, and when this happens, I KNOW I am on the right path.  If I was having tons of difficulties right now, I would be asking myself:  How am I creating this?  So.. when doubts arise like yesterday (yep I started doubting my path) I remind myself of the old “self-sabotaging” me who likes to tease like a jester.  

And.. like last week’s garbage, I told it to EFF off too!  

My feet are on the ground.  I’m dancing.. and singing.. and laughing, and enjoying this little heaven right here and right now!

A Dream in a Dream: Shimmering Butterfly Glasses


A month ago, I introduced you to Sylvia van Bruggen , the muse behind the successful Playful Creativity website.   Sylvia’s mission is to guide you to bring out the playful side in all of us, by using art, creativity and Ego Busting sessions to enlighten us.   She also has her own Tarot Deck and creates poems which delights the soul.  Sylvia wrote a special story for me entitled The Bright Pink Backpack.  A gift I will always remember.

In her last dream, The Colorful Scarf, Sylvia is coming to terms with the joy of creating her life and the ego which tries to sabotage it.  She states:

I keep getting these ego messages that my quest is just stupid and I need to start behaving myself, time to get that out of my life!

You will experience the BREAKTHROUGH Sylvia had with this last dream!  I love progression!

Sylvia had a dream within a dream.  A first for me.  I have never experienced this type a dream so I went to my Facebook page to and asked the question.  To my amazement, many replied they have experienced this type of dream, so I got to work and did a bit of research.

A dream within a dream, according to the very successful website Dream Moods  is a:

..safer and more acceptable way to express material from your unconscious. The dream within a dream protects you, the dreamer from waking up. Such dreams often reflect a hidden but crucial issue which you need to acknowledge and confront.

The Dream

I didn’t sleep much last night, so this morning I lay down for a nap. I had a dream in a dream! It is mostly hazy, as all of my dreams lately are, they just drift away. I know however that when I need to remember something, I do.

Anyway, back to the dream of this morning. I was in Prague, solving a mystery. I do not know what the mystery was, but it was very mysterious, and I was damn good. Then there was a gunshot, I was hit in my left shoulder.

Then I woke up. I was very groggy. I pushed out of bed, and walked to Marco’s cabinet to get my clothes (should have realized I was dreaming then!), when I heard a sound in the house.

I walked down the stairs and saw nothing. Then I saw my cat Scotty, he died almost two years ago. I told myself: “I must be dreaming” and fell asleep again.

I woke up sitting in an airplane, a real Casablanca moment, very old rattly airplane. I was sad because of where I was leaving but very excited about my destination. I was rich. Wore a fur stole and had a beautiful hat, wore butterfly glasses that shimmered.

The Interpretation

Your dream reminded me a little of a Tarot reading… for some reason.. Like Past/Present/Future.. but the more I read it.. the more it seems that way however, you decide if this resonates with you.

In Prague (A place you’ve once visited with mom 25 years ago) solving a Mystery a damned good one to boot!  Makes much sense that if 25 years ago you were discovering a whole new city for the first time, this seems to be a reflection of “solving” the mystery of your life.. this whole new life you are experiencing.  This darn good one!! The search inside yourself was and still is a “passionate” one.. this is what I feel.. However somewhere along the line of discovering life.. you were shot down!! In the left .. left usually means unconscious repressed emotions.. I am wondering if 25 years ago.. you were stuck with something that you needed to de-clutter.  (the past)  Being shot down seems looks like your depression  (did you feel victimized at one point and confronted with something?), shattering all this passion and mystery…  thus you woke up in another dream…

..being pushed out of bed!  I hear “Wake Up!! Get up!!  Get up and into your life”
So you did! You rushed.. got dressed.. like we do in life..  however, there is fear .. Walking down the stairs seems to represent going to face “repressed emotions” this whole dream within a dream, as I stated from DreamMoods is a reflection of these repressed emotions.  You face your cat that almost died 2 years ago.. In our discussions you state:   “I was completely stuck then, the physical pain completely overwhelmed me..”

A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.–Maya Angelou

It seems these dreams are a reminder of where you came from.. You are reliving your life through these dreams.. Do you still have any doubts to where you are headed?  Or.. do you think these dreams came to push you further into your passionate life?  You hold the key to this question.

In The end..

You are living the life of your dreams..  The plane, represents a whole new destination and adventure awaiting you.. The plane is old and rattly, yet you do not seem to mind.. You do not seem so afraid anymore.. You are just going with the flow..  but more like.. you are experiencing this now..   Also.. the richness you are seeing, the grandeur, the wealth, the “fancy Elton John Glasses”  all seems to tell you that you are destined for this wealth and richness in your life..

You are sad, because the little girl is saying goodbye to the rocks in the Bright Pink Backpack (no wonder you wrote that story for me.. it’s for you too!!!)  The butterfly glasses are the transformation in your perception! You see things in a whole new way.. Not like 25 years ago.. not like 2 years ago.. you see YOU!!

Sylvia’s Reply

“wow Kim!!! I nodded so often during reading this. Yes, the search is indeed filled with passion and joy, this life is so awesome!!! 25 years ago I was stuck in a life that wasn’t me. I worked in a field I loved to work in (IT) but disliked the pressure and the way the clients treated me.

I really feel the dreams push me to become this awesome woman. Push me past the last shimmer of fear lingering inside me. And then the image of wealth and riches is very powerful to me. I am still working through a lesson I learned as a child related to money. It is so tome to release this and be this fabulous ME!!!!”

Chrysalis Escape


“I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.” ~ Unknown

The above “unknown author” quote was the inspiration for today’s post. I’ve been quiet lately. Especially at home.  My psychotherapist had prescribed “cocooning” as a method of self care and I dove into it full force.   My writing muse has been lost in my journals for the past few days.  I was offline for awhile and I rediscovered my love for my diaries.  I went out and bought myself colored pens, I searched through magazines for pictures, I took out my glue and started decorating!    I have 4 journals now.  A gratitude journal, a journal for my blog, a journal for rambling and another for pictures, quotes and tarot readings.

While offline, I began throwing out things that had been cluttering my new place (already!! I know).  After my last post , I found the need to get rid of some things.  This usually leads to me getting rid of things in the depth of my soul.  I feel old hurts coming up, old wounds which  need to be healed and I am finding my VOICE!

That voice that tells me:  “I love you its ok to be where you are at”!  Last week the “ugly voice” emerged.  It kept on telling me I was “unworthy, lazy and fake!” can you believe this?!!  I found when this old voice speaks, it speaks from my mind.  When the loving voice speaks, it comes from my core.  Right at the center of my stomach.  This, my friends, is an amazing discovery.  My thoughts (some of them) have no power if they do not come from the source, I know this now.  The source is at the center of myself, the center is connected to all things which make us ONE.

Change is an announcement of Life’s intention to go on. Change is the fundamental impulse of life itself.”– Neale Donald Walsch

Since my depression diagnosis, I’ve discovered so many things about myself I didn’t know.  I am literally falling in love with me!  Yet, the old voices are fighting for their life, while I fight for mine, and they are not winning. I learned, with Jennifer Shelton, reading her post Confident or egotistical? Consider the Source to let the voices come, and they will dissolve. I did an Ego Busting session with Sylvia van Bruggen.  Sylvia’s wisdom and genuine love gave ME a voice to tell the ugliness to “F-Off!”  I love this part, although sometimes I speak out loud and my kids will turn away and say “What did you say mom?”  my usual reply “I’m just talking to myself” but really I am not, I am speaking to a voice that is ingrained in me since childhood, this voice and these thoughts are NOT me!   Fighting with them is fruitless, but speaking and acknowledging their presence helps them dissolve.

This is quite a challenging, yet exciting path I am on.  I went from one extreme to the other, and I feel I am about to emerge even more in the next month or so with a better, loving and trusting sense of self.  I have this itch to go out there and discover the world, and I know I must do it in baby steps.  With anxiety and depression with me, I must not jump off the cliff, yet integrate myself at a slow pace trusting the Universe is conspiring on my behalf to help me fulfill my purpose.

This is where I am at.  Taking the ride down the river of purpose.  Slowly finding what makes me tick, what makes me shine and glow like a Tinkerbell!  On this ride so far, I’ve rediscovered writing, photography, and I know I love to help others.  But first, I must help myself.. care for myself, and first and foremost listen to the inner loving voice of my power chakra.

What makes you tick? What is your passion?  Have you rediscovered something you once loved?  Please share with me!

Kim