Spring Of Life


Until you’ve found pain, you won’t reach the cure
Until you’ve given up life, you won’t unite with the supreme soul
Until you’ve found fire inside yourself, like the Friend,
You won’t reach the spring of life.
Rumi ♥

 

When I first wrote about my depression, in Let The Truth Be Known I Suffer from Depression (1st in a series of 4),  I opened the doors to my soul.  Laying out my experience for everyone and out into the Universe, brought me closer to you my friends and my readers, consequently, it also brought me closer to myself.  I discovered I am not alone suffering in the darkness, and happily so, I had hands to hold along the way.  I even made new connections and built new relationships with those who are or were in the dark too.

This was in January.  Today, after almost 5 months in therapy, and 3 months on medication,  I am actually starting to feel my two feet on the ground again, and the feeling is amazing!  I have made many changes and created a life of quiet. YES! I am a hermit (for now) however, think of it this way, I went from a lifetime of self-hate to entering a new life of self-love.  I want to bask in it, smell it, live it and breathe it! 

I spoke last week about, “taking out the garbage” and wanting to create more loving and meaningful relationships.  This task starts with creating a loving relationship with myself.  So, keeping this in mind, I had to separate myself physically from the world (in a sense) in order to commune with me and with God.  I know I am not separate in spirit.  My spirit is connected with all of you and with the source, so technically, at that time I was connected, just not in ways others think I should.  

Forget what everyone else thinks and live your marvelous life!!!

Creating a loving bond with the person I am allows me to feel true love, the love I have been longing for almost ALL my life, because truthfully I am love.  Love isn’t something to long for, love is something inside each and every one of us.

Hate separates!

The self-hate probably started around 12 or 13, when I thought everyone else abandoned me.  

As the years went by, what I did was abandon myself.  I gained and lost weight, I entered into abusive relationships, I even tried drugs (that didn’t work THANK GOD!!) I gave up everything I loved and adored doing.. my dreams went down the drain.  I was literally living according to the expectations of everyone else and I constantly felt OBLIGATED!  I started looking on the outside for things no one could really give to me.  I fell in love with the potential of love, and this left me empty and scared.

When enough is enough!

When I was at the deepest point of my depression, I felt like I was in a deep dark well.  It was cold, its was terrifying, and I felt like I was drowning in gunk. I prayed for someone to come find me and take me away from what I had, in reality, created all by myself.   Then, the water started freezing my skin, and rose up to my neck,  that is when I looked up and saw a tiny little light up above me.  It was not a person shining a flash light, no rescue worker coming my way, it was your light and it was my light.   The light of everyone who cheered me on during that dark time, I finally grasped onto it and up out of the well I went.  Your light and love, became my light and love.  The meds became the bridge which helped my feet stand on the ground.  

I believe!

They say when you heal on the inside, it starts showing up on the outside.  This, I discovered this week to be so true!  My home is less cluttered, my plants are doing GREAT!, and I can finally look at myself in the mirror again and smile.  I went out last week to get purple streaks in my hair, along with a much needed hair cut, and now I cannot stop looking at myself in the mirror.. I feel pretty again.  I bought myself some new clothes, and just yesterday, I refilled my makeup bag!

Playing spring chicken!

The thing is, I didn’t do all this to attract a new mate in my life.. (which in fact is what the old me would have done) I did all this for me.  This is the difference and I feel it.

I feel in the flow, the Universe is providing me with everything I need, and when this happens, I KNOW I am on the right path.  If I was having tons of difficulties right now, I would be asking myself:  How am I creating this?  So.. when doubts arise like yesterday (yep I started doubting my path) I remind myself of the old “self-sabotaging” me who likes to tease like a jester.  

And.. like last week’s garbage, I told it to EFF off too!  

My feet are on the ground.  I’m dancing.. and singing.. and laughing, and enjoying this little heaven right here and right now!

Depression hits.. Now what? Love yourself!


Until you’ve found pain, you won’t reach the cure

Until you’ve given up life, you won’t unite with the supreme soul

Until you’ve found fire inside yourself, like the Friend,

You won’t reach the spring of life.

Rumi ♥

hhhhhhh

hhhhhhh

Last week I came out of the closet with my post: Let The Truth be Known:  I Suffer from Depression  I acknowledge the myths about depression seeking to help those who do not suffer from this mental illness understand just a bit more, and to furthermore relate to those who do.  The same day, I noticed this post opened doors to many of you who have had depression or are still fighting it.. writing letters and comments which warmed my heart. To you I say thanks!

This week I want to talk about the beacon which keeps me on top of things. The little light inside me which flickers the fire to stay focused on my healing. It is not easy, at times, when I wake up at 4am in sheer panic, like I did this week, wondering what the hell is happening? The wheels of life start turning so fast in my brain that I cannot fall back to sleep… It is quite scary.

However, I am reminded of how a mother loves her child. Being so close to my mother and my children, I realized this week, if only I can love myself like mom loves me, or how I love my children. So I set out to find words of comfort when I feel like the world is spinning. I ask myself “What would my mom say to me now?” or “What would I be telling my children?”

While researching this post, I found an article online: Self-Compassion: Treating Yourself As You’d Treat a Good Friend by Kristen Neff. She defines self compassion (after studying Buddhist writings) as: kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.

She writes:

  • Self-kindness refers to the tendency to be supportive and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical or judgmental. Instead of tearing ourselves to shreds when we fail or make a mistake, we soothe and comfort ourselves, providing the caring concern needed to try again.
  • Common humanity involves recognizing that all humans are imperfect. It allows us to connect our own flawed condition to the shared human condition so that we can have a greater perspective on our personal shortcomings and difficulties.
  • Mindfulness can be defined as the clear seeing and acceptance of what is occurring in the present moment. It involves being aware of one’s painful feelings in a balanced manner so that one neither ignores nor exaggerates personal suffering.

These 3 self-care tools are what I have implemented in my healing, along with therapy, medication and support.

These things often shed light on the situation I am going through and help me stay grounded in my personal space. So when I am having a panic attack, instead of trying to run away from it, which is often the case during panic attacks, I first drink a very tall cold glass of water (something my mom would tell me to do), then I speak to myself in ways that are soothing: ie:  “You’re ok!! This too shall pass”. I may also reach out on the phone or online to seek support during the crisis, and then stay grounded by following mindfulness techniques like meditating on my feet!! Feeling my feet on the ground, really helps me regain consciousness during an attack!

I have plenty of self-care tools to run too, thus I think its important for those suffering from depression to seek out those beacons of light to help in the healing process. We are not alone!

Concluding today’s post, Kristen Neff writes:

“…the more you’re able to admit the pain of being a limited human being and accept this fact with kindness and equanimity, the more you’ll be able to heal your pain. By soothing and comforting yourself, just as a caring mother soothes and comforts her child when he or she is hurt, you will be able to rebound from setbacks more quickly. You will have the emotional resources needed to take on new challenges and reach your full potential. Beating yourself up doesn’t help anyone — least of all yourself.”

I totally agree! This is new for me too.. so the next time you are so bummed out your body is riddled with fear? What mothering technique could you do to self-comfort in a loving way?

Note: You can find more information on the writings of Kristen Neff by following the link to her site: www.self-compassion.org she has written a book entitled: Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind

Blessings of love,

ooo