The Mists of This Valley


Its seems, that most of my life, when I am immersed in one thing, I cannot seem to get immersed in another.  Multi-tasking, consequently, has been a challenge for me, as I easily get overwhelmed when there is just too much to do.  I remember when I was in University, studying to be a Teacher, my boyfriend really wanted me to work at the same time.  I argued with him, that if I took a job, my studies would suffer, and luckily for me, he agreed, since he knew me so well.  The fact is, even back then, I stayed true to who I am and didn’t even know it.

I am reading a book entitled:  The Mists of Avalon, by Marion Zimmer Bradley.  I am so much into this book, that my writing as taken a back seat, as you can tell by the lack of posts.  The book is 876 pages long, and for the first time in a long time, every time I pick up the book, I feel I am taken into a world I have been before.  I even dream about it at night! Woo!

I feel the characters, I know the characters and I identify with the heroine, in a way, that gives me goosebumps.  She is, almost like me, dedicated to truth and to who she is, however, she took a long trip away from herself, and got lost.  She dismissed her true powers, and took on tasks that made her squirm, yet, every time, she would be pulled.. pulled back into her life of Goddess or Lady of the Lake, and Avalon kept on calling and calling her…

The person I am talking about his Morgaine, Lady of Avalon, Morgaine of the fairies, Morgan le Fay, Priestess and Queen.  She is in fact the daughter of Igraine and Gorlois, but she was reared in Avalon, by Viviane, Lady of the Lake and high priestess.  She was raised to become the next Lady of Avalon, but why oh why did she leave?

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Side note:

The Mists of Avalon is in stark contrast to other retellings of the Arthurian tales, which consistently paint Morgaine as a distant, one-dimensional evil witch or sorceress, with no real explanation given (or required) for her antipathy. In this case Morgaine is cast as a strong woman who has unique gifts and responsibilities at a time of enormous political and spiritual upheaval as she is called upon to defend her indigenous matriarchal heritage against impossible odds. The Mists of Avalon stands as a watershed for feminist interpretation of male-centered myth by articulating women’s experience at times of great change and shifts in gender-power. (source WIKI)

She left, in my opinion, because she did not feel worthy of her calling, her purpose.. Does that sound familiar.  She even disappeared for years in the land of the fairies where time does not exist and pleasure reigns..

She speaks:

“To this very day I have never known how many nights and days I spent in the fairy country—even now my mind blurs when I try to reckon it up.  Try as I may I can make it no fewer than five and not more than thirteen. Nor am I certain how much time passed in the world outside, nor in Avalon, while I was there, but because mankind keeps better records of time than the fairy folk, I know that some five years have passed.”

Find your center, and time no more shall exist!

As she became closer to her calling again— The shadow of a Druid from Avalon speaks in her mind:

“If you would have the message for the Gods to direct your life, look for what repeats, again and again; for this is the message given to you by the Gods, the karmic lesson you must learn for this incarnation.  It comes again and again until you have made it part of your soul and your enduring spirit.”

Remind you of something?  Patterns, patterns, patterns! 

Then she started remembering who she really is, who she is meant to be, 

She recalls:

“There was no sleep for me that night.  Alone, I walked in the garden till dawn, and I knew already, shaking with terror, what must be done.  I did not know how, or whether alone, I could
do what I had begun, but as I had been made priestess so many years ago and renounced it, so must I retrace my steps alone.  This night I had been given great grace; but I knew there would be no more signs for me and no help given until I had made myself, alone, unaided, again the priestess I had been trained to be.

I bore still on my brow, faded beneath that housewifey coif Uriens would have me wear, the sign of her grace, but that would not help me now.  Gazing at the fading stars, I did not know whether or no the rising sun would surprise me at my vigil; the sun tides had not run in my blood for half a lifetime, and I no longer knew the precise place on the eastern horizon where I should turn to salute the sun at its rising.  I knew not, anymore, even how the moon-tides ran with the cycle of my body…. so far had I come from the training of Avalon.  Alone, with no more than a fading memory, I must somehow recapture all the things I had once known as part of myself”

So rock on Morgaine!  Like me, you are rediscovering what you were called to do in your magical world!  I am doing the same, and as I refocus my plans, tweak my options, and choose myself.  Other things, may take a back seat, however, the things which are so important to my growth, my well-being are right here in front of me waiting for the Goddess to emerge, and know, that we are all connected, we are one, and we must focus on this.

What book opened your eyes?  What book, fiction or non fiction, speak to you in ways you would have never imagined?  Let me know in the comments below:  

Love and blessings,

Kim

Going Back to Move Forward


Less than two days left in this old year! Astrologically speaking, that is. On Tuesday, March 20, at 1:14 am EST, the Sun moves into Aries, starting a brand new Zodiac year. This also marks the Vernal Equinox and the beginning of spring in the Northern Hemisphere.  

~Jennifer Shelton FemCentral

In her post today, My year in review and why you should do it too,  Jennifer Shelton writes about the importance of this review.  She states:  ” its  another way to be mindfully aware of what we are doing, so that we are not “sleep walking” through life. Major changes can result with little effort, if we bring awareness to our actions and choices.”

So, in the spirit of being mindful, and wanting to really SEE how far I have come in the past year, here is my review!
In this post, I am already questioning my love for teaching.  Back then, I suspected I was overwhelmed, and probably already suffering from depression.  Feeling overwhelmed I write:
Now I am at a crossroads. I need to bring income into my home, I need to work, however, I do not have the stamina to get into a room of 27 students and babysit them all day. Children today are not the same with subs, and even worse with subs who are not feeling well. They sense it!! and they kill me!!
I can see now, from this blog post, I am starting to see a transformation coming on.  I feel, when I reread this post, that I was preparing myself for TODAY.  In an excerpt I state:
Embarking on a new adventure is always scary. I can stay in the same old rut because it seems to feel safe, however; a rut is not comforting at all! Soon becomes so stale it stinks and I want to be free, which, in turn, begins to cause me great anxiety.

Here I am on an emotional roller coaster.  I feel its time to change my life around, yet, looking back, I was too scared  to do so.  I write:

For some sadness is pain, but to me there is something bigger hiding inside. You know the hurt you feel in your chest? I have to feel it and ride it out, because these past couple of years I’ve been trying to suppress that pain, which in turn has causes me grief. I get panic, anxiety, digestion problems…etc.. All that craziness for blocking the true feelings that live within my soul. 

A turning point!  I find myself searching for this light, that I KNOW is there!  After this post, many of the truths I needed to tell myself came up!  I decided it was time to change my life and jump!

Therefore, this is where I’m at. I’m at the point of renewal. I’ve seen this in my horoscope, on friends FB pages, on twitter.. The message is loud and clear! It is that time for me again. Time to shed my snake skin.

THIS!! Is where I totally started to break free!  After receiving a Tarot Reading from my friend  Sylvia van Bruggen she wrote an intuitive short story for me.  This story resonated with me in more ways than you can imagine. I decided to shed my relationship, this, was a HUGE step for me.  I even had an AHA moment recently.  Here is an excerpt:

….She enjoyed life so much, she played with the birds, danced with the butterflies and giggled at the rabbits as they raced ahead of her on the path. Then she found some stones along her path, and without realizing why, she put those stones in her back pack. Before long the back pack became so heavy her shoulders began to ache and she no longer saw the rabbits, the birds and the butterflies. All she knew was that she had to walk on, with her heavy bag…

August 2011:  Lily Pad

In August of 2011, my dream interpretations started going live!  My first post was Zakaphorian Dreams.  I was also desperately looking for a new place to live with my children.  So much happened that month, good and challenging.  Here is a quote from Maya Angelou which I attached to the poem I wrote.  I wanted to go home.

The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned. 
Maya Angelou

As my depression grew deeper and deeper, I was constantly trying to find ways to boost my self-esteem.  I truly believe in what I wrote in this post, however, it was a time of great reflection. No excerpts needed, feel free to check out the post.

This post came after being unplugged for 21 days.  The kids and I had moved into our NEW apartment, our home, in the beginning of the month.  This is when everything HIT me and I was truly exhausted.  I write:

When the time came to move out of my life and into this new one.  I was so excited.  I was counting down the days to freedom, and boy oh boy I couldn’t wait!  I would finally be free!! … I had no clue what I was going to face once in my new place, yet I was so sure it would be much better than where I was..  Yet, to my surprise I was faced with something even more scary:  Myself!!!

Nov. 2011:  Getting Naked

In November, I am really feeling it!  I’m lost, I’m afraid, and I have no clue what is going on with my life.  Work is killing me, I am crying every day.  This is the month I walk into a clinic and get help! HELP ME!! So grateful I did, because now I have an amazing therapist who really “gets me”!

It’s not easy to speak the truth.  When you are having a very bad day and someone, an acquaintance, asks:  “Hey, how are you doing?” Your first instinct would be to reply “Fine thanks. You?”  At that moment your mind starts to think for itself.  “You are not fine, darn it, you feel like crap!”  Why do we ever speak the truth when someone asks “Are you ok?”  Instead of replying fine, why don’t we say “Hey, NO, I’m not ok, I feel like shit and I want to crawl under a rock”?  Wouldn’t that be more authentic?

Dec. 2011:  Autentica

December!! Oh great December!  I remember this time, trying to keep face to have a happy Christmas with the children.  The worry, the anxiety, yet finding joy in decorations and baking.  I also decided to stop working, and to take care of ME!

As 2011 ends and 2012 begins… The passage will not be felt, but the continuous movement towards my wise self will followed by light, forwarded by love and entered with faith so strong nothing will stop who I have become.

This post came out for many reasons.  First, I started feeling “judged” for having clinical depression.  Plus, the Bell Canada Let’s Talk campaign was advertizing for Feb 8th, where people around Canada were going to openly talk about depression.  This is one of my most popular posts!

I am writing this post today because I think the world needs a crash course in depression. It affects many of us, men, women, children and teens.. yet I feel there is still a stigma attached to it. Those who have never experienced depression, cannot understand the challenges our minds and bodies experience.

Feb. 2012:  February a Time for Love – Self-Love

I truly believe this is the month I WOKE UP!! A slow wake up, however, I truly discovered and melted into who I really am.. and it was the beginning of the love story between me and me!

…I will sing myself a love song, write myself a love letter and maybe even share some of this new-found love with my children and all of you.. Actually I know I will share all this love I have inside.. because it is there.. waiting to be shared.. but first I need to stash away just a little for me…

Doing this review, allowed me to see how far I have come in the past year.  What I have accomplished is amazing.  The most important thing about this year is staying TRUE to who I am, and not letting others dictate to me what I should or should not do.. most importantly, not letting others DEFINE who I am.  

Kim