Inhabiting Myself


I wrote this awhile back for another blog, however, due to unforseen circumstances, it never got published.  So today, since I was experiencing technical difficulties, I decided to post this short story.

 

 

 

I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I’ve written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part.  ~Shirley MacLaine

I can’t believe I shut her up all this time!  I kept her well hidden, locked downstairs in the soberness of the basement.  I went down only to give her the remnants of food leftover from my fridge, and a slim glass of water… other days I would stuff her with food until she would almost get sick!! She HAD to eat, she HAD to stay fat.  That way no one but no one would want to love her.

There were days I would let her out for short periods of time.. this would enable her to see the light and smell the air, just enough so she could survive.  However, she would begin to enjoy the outdoors and she would start smiling and playing.  Amusement was strictly forbidden in this place… she knew that, she would try to smile while I wasn’t looking but I would always catch her!  When I did… Punishment was in order!

“Hey! You!  Ugly!!!! …You think you are pretty when you smile?” I would yell at her.

She would look at me with her eyes so dark.. they were begging me to let her stay but she belonged back where she came from:  In the darkness.

In recent years,  I decided to keep her downstairs for longer periods of time… I would only let her out when I thought she was about to die.  I couldn’t have her death on my conscience, that would be the end for both of us.  I cannot exist without her… I can’t.

One day, when I came to grab her arm to bring her downstairs, she managed to gather enough strength to push me back!  This woman, who didn’t have much energy, managed to run away from me and disappear around the bend.  I was too tired to run after her…. I let her go.

I sat there crying until nightfall set inside my mind.  I realized how much I needed her.. without her.. I didn’t exist.

A few months later she came to visit me, and this time I had no urge to lock her up.  I must admit she looked beautiful.  Her smile was a mile wide, and her glow!! That glow!  I could not stop looking at her…she was mesmerizing.

This woman, who I locked up for years, started to cry. She looked at me directly in the eyes while huge tears streamed down her face.

“You, my dear” She said  “are an egotistical, narcissistic abuser!!”

I couldn’t deny what she was telling me is true.  I didn’t treat this girl with love, compassion or tenderness.  I often forgot to nurture her, and I never embraced her dreams.   She, was nothing to me.. NOTHING!

She looked at me, after she calmed down and said:  “Forgive me? Please forgive me?”  Forgive me for not loving you… for hating you.. for despising you”

I replied “I should be the one asking for forgiveness”

She said “I am you”

And so she was… and so I am.. We embraced each other….

We are no longer rivals .. we are one!

I inhabited myself!

The dark became light, the world became bright.. My creativity soared… I started seeing things in ways I have never perceived them before.  I drew, I wrote, I sang and danced.  I created, I laughed, I cried.  I listened more, loved more and played more.  I joked more, decorated more and everything I would receive would be AWESOME!  I ate better, walked more, and just accepted that this person does not need to be buried.. she exists.. We both exist in  light and in dark need to combine our hearts and give the world the best that we can give.

And so she changed the world… one dream at a time..

The Bright Pink Backpack


little girl collecting rocks

I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief…. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free. ~Wendell Berry, “The Peace of Wild Things”

Last week I received a Tarot reading from my new friend Sylvia van Bruggen. Since I’ve been struggling with Anxiety Disorder, I was hoping to get to the bottom of why I am suffering attacks again after an almost 10 year hiatus. What is the cause of my anxiety? How am I going to free myself from this crippling angst I get every so often in my day? Although I still experience joy, laughter, happiness and “good days” my “bad moments” are starting to wear me down a little..and I have so much I want to do. Every single message I’ve been getting from friends, symbolism and readings are leading me to believe I’m not far from my “moment” and really… I am experiencing it (the moment) now! My anxiety may be the transformation process I need to experience. With all this said, Sylvia, wrote a story after the reading. The story brought me warm tears… She gave me permission to share it with you.

  • Note: Something Sylvia didn’t know when she wrote this story is when I was a little girl I used to collect rocks from my aunts beach. I also tried to sell them door to door.

Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.

  Oprah Winfrey

Once upon a time there was a girl. When she was born a faerie appeared, and gave her a bright pink back pack. The girl loved it, she kept it by her side every day. As soon as she could walk, she followed a path, curving through a dense forest.
She enjoyed life so much, she played with the birds, danced with the butterflies and giggled at the rabbits as they raced ahead of her on the path.
Then she found some stones along her path, and without realizing why, she put those stones in her back pack. Before long the back pack became so heavy her shoulders began to ache and she no longer saw the rabbits, the birds and the butterflies. All she knew was that she had to walk on, with her heavy bag.
“Why do you carry those stones with you?”
She looked up and saw the faerie, standing with her arms crossed and a smile on her face.
The girl said, “I… don’t know?”
“Do they make your path easier?”
The girl shook her head.
“Do you need them?”
The girl shook her head again.
The faerie smiled. “Do you know why those stones were there?”
The girl sighed. “I don’t know?”
“The stones are there to remind you to always look around you, to not take every step for granted. To keep enjoying life as you stand still to enjoy the beauty around you.”
The girl took off her backpack and tossed the stones out. She put the back pack on again, and said, “Then what is the pack for?”
The faerie smiled, “Happy memories.”     – written by :   Sylvia van Bruggen

 

Time for me.. to unload!