This little light of mine…

Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle,
and the life of the candle will not be shortened.
Happiness never decreases by being shared.
– The Buddha


I feel like I’ve lost some of my light. I must admit I’ve felt this way for a few years, yet just recently, I seem in a big hurry to “lighten-up” (no pun intended). It’s almost cyclical for me. I go on a 9-year stretch, and then bam! I’m back to working on the thing I’ve worked on years before, albeit with more wisdom and ease. I’ve been reading books and blogs again, writing again, reaching out again… and I even took an online course called ROOTED with Megan Monique who was kind enough to show me the way. This course was the beginning of renewing my essence. I learned to breathe, communicate and let out my creativity. The latter is probably the one I have neglected the most… My creativity needs to shine daily!

So what steps am I going to take to find this light of mine? Well, I started this year by making a bucket list of things I want to do in 2011. The disappearance of light started when I stopped doing all the things I really love to do. Then again, I could say it started when I was fulfilling everyone else’s needs but mine. You can say I’m somewhat of a martyr. This is the list I made:

  1. Going out to a movie,
  2. Going to at least 1 concert;
  3. More girls nights;
  4. Time alone (just by myself);
  5. Nurturing the relationship with the BF.

I didn’t include my kids here because I spend most of my “doing time” and “quality time” with them and for them.

Nurture myself is the next thing. Taking care of my body, being mindful when I dress, putting some makeup on to feel pretty are all things I kind of stopped doing. I don’t own pretty clothes, because I do not take the time to go buy pretty clothes. I don’t have pretty hair, because I don’t take the time to get a haircut. I have skin tags I hate, but I don’t take the time to get them removed by a dermatologist. Those are HUGE examples of me not LOVING myself. I must feel worthy of all of this in order to move forward.

Therefore, this is where I’m at. I’m at the point of renewal. I’ve seen this in my horoscope, on friends FB pages, on twitter.. The message is loud and clear! It is that time for me again. Time to shed my snakeskin.

Please feel free to share with me your insights. How to you keep from going stale? What are you renewal rituals? Your input will help me find my way.

Love and light

If you feel it.. set it free!

“The cloud is free only to go with the wind. The rain is free only in falling.”
Wendell Berry

Its just one of those days where there is a lump in my heart bringing up tears of sadness. All I want to do is cry! It’s been an emotional roller coaster ride these past couple of days. Nothing serious, however, a bunch of little things are coming back up in me and I’m really trying hard to embrace them. Sadness is a normal human emotion, and I have always been able to embrace it. It is the pain underneath the sadness, which I have trouble dealing with.

For some sadness is pain, but to me there is something bigger hiding inside. You know the hurt you feel in your chest? I have to feel it and ride it out, because these past couple of years I’ve been trying to suppress that pain, which in turn has causes me grief. I get panic, anxiety, digestion problems…etc.. All that craziness for blocking the true feelings that reside within my soul.

I was talking to my father the other day. We were discussing my brother who suffers from bi-polar type II. My brother is a grand example of someone who suppresses the pain, which comes with challenges in our lives. He went from riches to rags in a 10-year period. It is very difficult for us to communicate with him, and let him know, if he only acknowledged is pain, all the little pains he has suffered in his lifetime would be a thing of the past. Yet, he wont… he wont continue his therapy, he wont continue seeing his doctor and he has blocked all family from his life. BLOCKAGES!! Thus, he remains sick… L

That is when I told my dad I refuse to block anymore. Crying is ok, screaming is ok, being angry is ok, being sad is ok, being happy is ok, and being excited is ok.. You get my point? All emotions are ok.. As long as we can see, hear and feel these emotions, we are on the right track. So today.. I give myself permission to feel. To feel every emotion which wants me to listen.

I listen.. I feel.. I unblock… In addition, if I need to talk to someone.. I do.. I reach out.. I love .. I feel loved.

I told my dad that day: “Dad I am strong because I can cry” he said “Yes you are my favourite daughter. I am proud of you!” J

…. And so it is….

A Journey Of One Inch

Success is not a place at which one arrives but rather the spirit with which one undertakes and continues the journey. ~Alex Noble

Embarking on a new adventure is always scary. I can remain in the same old rut because it seems to feel safe, however; a rut is not comforting at all! Soon becomes so stale it stinks and I want to be free, which, in turn, begins to cause me great anxiety.

I always need a big boost to help me jump out of it! If someone starts pushing me, the shock is so strong, I begin to panic, and then resist. This year, in many areas of my life (as some of you have read in my parenting posts), has been about continuous movement towards my goals, but not necessarily running there. I know the term “baby steps” is becoming cliché (and God forbid I use a cliché according to my old English teacher), yet it describes my intent so clearly. Instead of remaining inert, like I often do, I pride myself in making little, tiny, changes, which will eventually lead me to where I want to go without stopping.

To some, these changes do not come fast enough, and I often get flack for being so slow; yet, what I know for sure is I must block out the outside world at times in order to allow myself little successes which with eventually lead to BIG successes. (Something I teach my ADHD son).

Because too often: I stop! I quit! I give up! I do not want to do that anymore. There are too many projects, desires, wants, needs, goals and STUFF! I have put on the backburner allowing them to burn out and disappear… Yet do these goals really disappear? My answer is no. These unmet goals gnaw at my conscious and subconscious mind and at my soul only to give me this feeling of restlessness and anxiety. I feel guilty, ashamed, and not so proud of myself.

Therefore, 2011 is all about achieving dreams I have dreamt, goals I have set, and projects I have started. It is all about the trip I am taking! I am a big advocate of quality and not quantity! This enables me to slip into something new and different without loosing focus.

Do we have to adapt to change quickly at times: Yes! That is for sure. Yet, when it comes to the things I can control, I can give myself all the opportunities to follow though, to finish and to remain on track through this journey of mine!

Take a minute to read this poem:

A Spiritual Journey

And the world cannot be discovered by a journey of miles,
no matter how long,
but only by a spiritual journey,
a journey of one inch,
very arduous and humbling and joyful,
by which we arrive at the ground at our feet,
and learn to be at home.

~ Wendell Berry ~

How do you adapt to change? What steps do you take to reach your goals? Leave a comment and let’s start a conversation.