Getting naked!

God offers to every mind its choice between truth and repose.

Take which you please – you can never have both.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

It’s not easy to speak the truth.  When you are having a very bad day and someone, an acquaintance, asks:  “Hey, how are you doing?” Your first instinct would be to reply “Fine thanks. You?”  At that moment your mind starts to think for itself.  “You are not fine, darn it, you feel like crap!”  Why do we ever speak the truth when someone asks “Are you ok?”  Instead of replying fine, why don’t we say “Hey, NO, I’m not ok, I feel like shit and I want to crawl under a rock”?  Wouldn’t that be more authentic?

Obviously in society, we are conditioned to save those crappy moments in our lives for our loved ones.  We obviously do not want to look like “the drama queen of the office” or come off as “negative”, but sometimes I think if we really acknowledged how we felt.. Wouldn’t speaking the truth be cleansing?

Since this summer,  my theme is truth.  I’ve been walking around with my truth stone (Yes! I have a truth stone like the one in the picture above)  to remind me to tell myself the truth and not hide so much under a mask.  No no.. I do not go around town telling the milkman of my recent separation etc.. but I did catch myself telling the school’s crossing guard!!

The conversation looked like this:

Crossing guard:  “Hi, how are you?  Did you move?  I notice you come from the opposite direction now.”

Me:  “Yes, I moved down towards 20th avenue.  I’m separated. Back to being a single mom again!”

Notice how I threw in “I’m separated” and “single mom” in that answer! I’m sure you did!! I could have left it at 20th avenue.  Yet I have this tendency to want to gain sympathy I guess?  If I am speaking the truth here… isn’t that what I am doing by throwing in “I’m separated” into the conversation.  Maybe, maybe not. It really doesn’t matter.  What matters is that I am aware of this and that I know that its ok to need sympathy now, however, maybe not from the milkman himself! In my defence, I’ve known this crossing guard for at least 9 years. She helped my children cross the street every day when we lived on 14th, so openly declaring my recent separation, to me, means that I trust her and she is familiar.  Thus, I admit, I probably did need an acknowledgement, a tap on the shoulder, or a “its ok, you are strong!” kind of response.

Speaking the truth, removing the mask, taking off all my clothes (not literally phewf!)  leaves me feeling vulnerable, very vulnerable.  However, if I keep the mask on, I will be doing exact thing I cannot stand (Scorpio me):    Saying: “I’m fine” when obviously (I can tell right away ) you are feeling quite sad or angry!   It is hard for me to ignore when someone is feeling low.  Yet I have learned over the years, to let the person be once I have asked once “Are you ok”.  I am not a pro at it yet.  I sometimes drive my daughter crazy with this.  She tells me “Its ok mom” and I return and say: “Are you sure?”.   By then I have received the “teenage glare” that no mom can ignore.

I tore myself away from the safe comfort of certainties through my love for truth– and truth rewarded me. ~Simone de Beauvoir

Truthfully speaking, am I ok?  No, not always.  I’m I going to be ok?  Yes, eventually.  There are times when I am perfectly ok.  I am ok with my apartment, I am ok with my children, I am ok with my hair (on some days) I am ok with my goals… and yes, sometimes I still find joy in the little things and I still can laugh!  However, there are just some things I need to accept.  That will come in time.

If there is one thing I have learned from this process I am working on, which is:  breaking a lifetime of old habits, is that it is painful, it is a challenge, it is like digging a deep hole to go find some archeological relic which will eventually open my eyes to my past.  I can choose to dust off this piece and carefully look at it, appraise it and see its worth, or I can leave it where it came from and move on to the next piece.  I may also discover a whole new historical world there, which may be the discovery of the century!!

What I know for sure is:  delving into my history to find the “truth” and break the cycle of abuse will be the most loving, compassionate, caring, amazing thing I can do for myself right now. 


Nine eleven

Remembering Sept 11th reminds me that we are One. It calls me, to accept our differences, and face our fears. To connect with others, and to truly see them. To stop the bullying in the school yards. To hug your children and those around you. To give to your neighbors, and be grateful for the blessings surrounding us. Remembering Sept 11th reminds me of John Lennon and his song Imagine, hence it reminds me that although most organised religions separate us, spirituality and awareness connects us. The Universal truth in love is there. Finding peace and forgiveness is what will truly make a difference… and we evolve with this new way… we find ourselves face to face with each other and we smile.

How could I not know?

The following dream came to me from a Twitter friend a few weeks ago. When she first e-mailed the dream it took me a couple of days to really tap into it, however, once I did I reminded myself of similar dreams I had in the past.

When I look at a dream I look at the symbols and what they represent to the dreamer and to myself. Most dreams tell a story of what is going on in one’s life, usually a story in the unconscious. Sometimes, in the hustle and bustle of life, we have issues that need to be addressed, however, we do not want to look at these issues and we ignore them. The dream, in this example, is bringing this issue to the surface leaving it up to the dreamer to examine it and deal with it in his/her life.

If the dreamer continues to ignore the signs, these dreams can become recurring, or become increasingly scary. It depends on the issue at hand. Once the dream interpreted, the dreamer usually feels a release or may even feel like AHA!! That’s when one knows the dream was analysed properly. It’s up to the dreamer now to deal with truth in waking life.

The dream:

Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true. Demosthenes

My husband and I were at some type of event or get together in some building. There was a woman I noticed but never really saw faces of anyone but her.

Then we were home and I don’t know how it came up but we were fighting cause I found out he cheated with that woman. Specifically on Monday and this was Thursday in my dream. I asked him when… he wouldn’t say but I had Monday in my head. I asked if it was the day he went to his moms house and it jumped to me seeing him being driven to his mom’s but no one was there so he went to another house which I couldn’t see but knew it was the womans.

Then I started crying so hard and he just sat there as I told him to leave. I felt like he wasnt listening to me and like he was thinking I’d get over it or something.

And I kept going back to the building I saw her and thinking… how could I not know?

I woke up sobbing still thinking it was real.


The Interpetation

Let me give you a bit of background on dream interpretation. Usually, according Jungian theory there are 3 roles in a dream. The Ego (You) The Superego (Parental/Morality) and the Id (childlike) our deep-rooted wishes and dreams (could be selfish too)

 In dreams, usually, these 3 roles usually represent a part of you.

 You (Ego) Are in conflict with your husband (Id) about betrayal. You see this woman (superego) as a threat to your relationship with your Id:  that part of you…

So, what is happening in your life right now that you seem to be betraying yourself. What are you preventing yourself from doing at thsi moment? Are you procrastinating on something really important?

You dream about Monday? To me Mondays are always like a new week beginning. So, if this means the same to you,what new beginning are you preventing yourself from doing? The fact that you dream this betrayal happened in the woman’s house leads me to believe you feel the need to escape to do the thing you wish to do or hide it from people. Is speaking your truth difficult to those around you?

You are very sad you are not listening to yourself about something.

Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.

This is what the dreamer had to say after the interpretation: 

I cannot even tell you just how dead on this is. Exactly how I’ve been feeling and actually just had a conversation expressing this to a family member right before I checked my email. It gave me goosebumps! How do you do that? I would like to share this experience on my blog but not sure how to without getting too personal ya know?

Thanks Kim so much!!! Amazing!