The Bright Pink Backpack

little girl collecting rocks

I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief…. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free. ~Wendell Berry, “The Peace of Wild Things”

Last week I received a Tarot reading from my new friend Sylvia van Bruggen. Since I’ve been struggling with Anxiety Disorder, I was hoping to get to the bottom of why I am suffering attacks again after an almost 10 year hiatus. What is the cause of my anxiety? How am I going to free myself from this crippling angst I get every so often in my day? Although I still experience joy, laughter, happiness and “good days” my “bad moments” are starting to wear me down a little..and I have so much I want to do. Every single message I’ve been getting from friends, symbolism and readings are leading me to believe I’m not far from my “moment” and really… I am experiencing it (the moment) now! My anxiety may be the transformation process I need to experience. With all this said, Sylvia, wrote a story after the reading. The story brought me warm tears… She gave me permission to share it with you.

  • Note: Something Sylvia didn’t know when she wrote this story is when I was a little girl I used to collect rocks from my aunts beach. I also tried to sell them door to door.

Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.

  Oprah Winfrey

Once upon a time there was a girl. When she was born a faerie appeared, and gave her a bright pink back pack. The girl loved it, she kept it by her side every day. As soon as she could walk, she followed a path, curving through a dense forest.
She enjoyed life so much, she played with the birds, danced with the butterflies and giggled at the rabbits as they raced ahead of her on the path.
Then she found some stones along her path, and without realizing why, she put those stones in her back pack. Before long the back pack became so heavy her shoulders began to ache and she no longer saw the rabbits, the birds and the butterflies. All she knew was that she had to walk on, with her heavy bag.
“Why do you carry those stones with you?”
She looked up and saw the faerie, standing with her arms crossed and a smile on her face.
The girl said, “I… don’t know?”
“Do they make your path easier?”
The girl shook her head.
“Do you need them?”
The girl shook her head again.
The faerie smiled. “Do you know why those stones were there?”
The girl sighed. “I don’t know?”
“The stones are there to remind you to always look around you, to not take every step for granted. To keep enjoying life as you stand still to enjoy the beauty around you.”
The girl took off her backpack and tossed the stones out. She put the back pack on again, and said, “Then what is the pack for?”
The faerie smiled, “Happy memories.”     – written by :   Sylvia van Bruggen


Time for me.. to unload!

Seeds as they grow…

“One of the most important resources that a garden makes available for use, is the gardener’s own body. A garden gives the body the dignity of working in its own support. It is a way of rejoining the human race.”
Wendell Berry

If you feel it.. set it free!

“The cloud is free only to go with the wind. The rain is free only in falling.”
Wendell Berry

Its just one of those days where there is a lump in my heart bringing up tears of sadness. All I want to do is cry! It’s been an emotional roller coaster ride these past couple of days. Nothing serious, however, a bunch of little things are coming back up in me and I’m really trying hard to embrace them. Sadness is a normal human emotion, and I have always been able to embrace it. It is the pain underneath the sadness, which I have trouble dealing with.

For some sadness is pain, but to me there is something bigger hiding inside. You know the hurt you feel in your chest? I have to feel it and ride it out, because these past couple of years I’ve been trying to suppress that pain, which in turn has causes me grief. I get panic, anxiety, digestion problems…etc.. All that craziness for blocking the true feelings that reside within my soul.

I was talking to my father the other day. We were discussing my brother who suffers from bi-polar type II. My brother is a grand example of someone who suppresses the pain, which comes with challenges in our lives. He went from riches to rags in a 10-year period. It is very difficult for us to communicate with him, and let him know, if he only acknowledged is pain, all the little pains he has suffered in his lifetime would be a thing of the past. Yet, he wont… he wont continue his therapy, he wont continue seeing his doctor and he has blocked all family from his life. BLOCKAGES!! Thus, he remains sick… L

That is when I told my dad I refuse to block anymore. Crying is ok, screaming is ok, being angry is ok, being sad is ok, being happy is ok, and being excited is ok.. You get my point? All emotions are ok.. As long as we can see, hear and feel these emotions, we are on the right track. So today.. I give myself permission to feel. To feel every emotion which wants me to listen.

I listen.. I feel.. I unblock… In addition, if I need to talk to someone.. I do.. I reach out.. I love .. I feel loved.

I told my dad that day: “Dad I am strong because I can cry” he said “Yes you are my favourite daughter. I am proud of you!” J

…. And so it is….